Joke of the day.

DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
I've just been reminded of this true, funny, embarrassing story. I thought it might make you lot laugh?..

Years ago, whenever I called my mate on his house phone. 99% of the time his girlfriend would answer it.
I'd always say..."Hello, what colour knickers are you wearing?"..
Her reply was..."Hi Jez, I'll get him for you"...

Then one day the conversation went like this...

"Hello, what colour knickers are you wearing?"

"Pardon"

"You are wearing some aren't you"

"Erm, who is this?"

"Never mind that, answer my question"

"Hold on, I'll get my Mum"

It was their 13yr old daughter!!! 😳
Talk about embarrassing, & I never did it again! 🥴
 
MartytheMartian

MartytheMartian

Legendary Knight
Policemen - "Sir it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

Husband - " Yes I know but she has a lovely personality."


A boy and his dad are walking in the park and the boy sees a bird lying still on the ground with it's legs in the air. He asks his dad why it is like that and his dad says "Well son, the bird has died and God will come to take it to heaven and it's on it's back so He can pick it up by it's feet."

The next day the Dad is at work and his son calls in a panic

" Dad, Dad you better come home quick I think Mummy is dying!"

Dad- "Why do you think that son?"

Son - "Well Dad, when I came home from school she was lying on her back in bed with her legs in the air screaming 'Oh God I'm coming I'm coming' and the Postman is trying to hold her down!"
 
Scrappy

Scrappy

Legendary Knight
*The British Way*

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British Fusilier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”
 
DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
Don the Don said:
Make sure he get's here on time for the next one, ruddy late for the last two :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
I nearly made a comment about being grateful for him not accidentally shooting any of us whilst he was giving covering fire.
But the last time I attempted such a gag at his expense. I didn't realise his medication was incorrect. I spent the next 2 weeks looking under my car with a mirror. Before I dare open a door! 😳
 
MartytheMartian

MartytheMartian

Legendary Knight
The Romans are marching into Scotland and they come across a wee Scotsman standing outside a cave shouting and cursing and mooning at them. Julius Caesar orders one of his legionaries to attack the Jock and the soldier runs at him and they disappear into the cave. Much screaming and clanging later the wee Jock reappears and starts slagging the Romans again. Caesar orders ten legionaries to attack and they chase him into the cave. Much screaming and clashing of metal later and the wee Jock reappears. This time caesar sends a hundred troops in and, after much noise and screaming one of his troops comes staggering out and shouts "It's an ambush! There's two of them!"

I did actually get a warning on an American forum for posting that one as the Admin considered it to be racist!
 
Bad Billy

Bad Billy

Piemantino Rossi
Simple COVID test to keep your loved one safe.
Whilst lying in bed with your other half, pull the covers over their head while dropping your arse, thereby creating an unpleasant situation in an enclosed space (AKA The Dutch Oven).
If they start borking on the smell and complaining they can 'literally taste it', rest assured they don't have Covid and you have done your bit to keep them safe!
Advised dosage: 2 per 24hr period
Directions for use: Best served 15seconds prior to waking, just as they have fell asleep, or any other time you think it may be a laugh.
Side effects: Gagging, nausea, kicking and screaming, obscenities (eg 'you FILTHY fucker' 'you DIRTY bastard' etc), possible uncontrollable rage.
 
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