Joke of the day.

[Big Sandy]

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

 

[Big Sandy]

“If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?”

 

[Big Sandy]

“I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, ‘I’m havin that!'”

 

[Big Sandy]

“If I was invisible for the day I think I’d kick a mime artist to death.”

 

[Big Sandy]

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.”

 

[Big Sandy]

“I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.”

 

[Big Sandy]

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”

 

[Big Sandy]

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock”

 

[Sarky B’stard]

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock”

Aah! But who knows why? And what else used to happen?

 

[MartytheMartian]

Recently it actually seems that other guns are often going off in Edinburgh at other times of the day. From what I read in the press Edinburgh is trying to outdo Glasgow. A cynic might suspect the influx of the Snazi's 'New Scots' for the change.

The One O'Clock gun, was a Time signal for shipping so they could set their clocks no idea what else used to happen though @Sarky B’stard as Edinburgh is largely a foreign country to me.

 

[Don the Don]

Paddy and Murphy were having a catch up in the village square -
"So Morph, how've yer been? Done anything interesting since last time?"
"No too bad Paddy. Took Mary to dat funfair in town last week, she was nagging me about dat Tunnel Of Love. To be honest, it was a bit of a disappointment, it was dark and uncomfortable and we came out soaked through. Mary was in tears so there wasn't much love on offer I can tell ye!"
"Bijeesus Murph, dat's terrible, was the boat leaking?"
“What Boat?”

 

[Don the Don]

Many pub names have significant meanings. The Royal oak signifies the tree future king Charles the 2nd hid in to escape Cromwell, the Red Lion signifies all public buildings under James 1 being decorated with his crest, and The Duke of York warning all those girls under 18 to give it a miss.

 

[Big Sandy]

Aah! But who knows why? And what else used to happen?

Wasn't it to synchronise time with ships in the firth?

After? All the wifies can hang their washing out once the soots settled?

Edit... Wot @MartytheMartian said.

 

[Don the Don]

Bob Geldof's looking pretty grumpy these days.
Does he know it's Christmas?

 

[Don the Don]

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.
I can't do them, but my headphone cable sure can.

 

[Don the Don]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

[Don the Don]

My Lesbian neighbours have got me a Seiko timepiece for Christmas
Obviously misunderstood, I said I wanna watch

 

[Don the Don]

Does anyone know whether there is a DFS sale tomorrow?

 

[Don the Don]

Just a reminder to anyone who had a book from me for Xmas,
they are due back at the library on 13th January

 

[Don the Don]

Just been sacked by the Christmas soup kitchen.
All because as I was serving spuds onto homeless people's plates, I was wishing them "Merry Christmas."
My own fault really, cos earlier on ,management had briefed us to say, "Happy Holidays."
I need to stop committing these hate crimes.