Joke of the day.

[DD67]

I'd give you a high 6 ....but I live in Suffolk

I try to never let irrelevant facts, get in the way of a good pi$$taking sesh HT!

 

[Don the Don]

With the rise of self-driving vehicles,
how long will it be before there's a country song
about how his truck left him too?

 

[Don the Don]

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you'd think she'd remember something like that.

 

[Don the Don]

The Pope was due to give a talk on contraception today, but pulled out at the last minute

 

[DD67]

 

[Don the Don]

I went into B&Q and said, "these shelves you sold me are shit. I couldn't even......."
The cashier said "put em up?"
I said," come on then, you cnut."

 

[Don the Don]

Just when you think the lies told by MPs can't get any more far fetched...
A man stands up in parliament and claims to be upset that his mother in law has died.

 

[Don the Don]

People think that trans women are not real women
Yet their constant whining, attention-seeking and determination to ******* spoil everything, suggests otherwise.

 

[Don the Don]

I'm proud to say that not one animal had to die to feed me today.
Three did.

 

[Don the Don]

I've been asked to go drag racing.
I doubt I can walk in high heels,
never mind run in them

 

[Don the Don]

Sheikh Anvak is famous for having the freshest carpets in the whole of Qatar.

 

[MartytheMartian]

and Sheik Jerbootie is well known in the Saudi Disco's while Sheik Yermannie hangs out in the gents toilets looking for 'trade'.

 

[Don the Don]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.
A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

 

[Don the Don]

A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".

 

[Don the Don]

I had to go on a sexism awareness course at work...

...The girl delivering it had great tits.

 

[Don the Don]

M&S rebrands Midget Gems to avoid offending people with dwarfism.
Yeah, right. Let's ban hopscotch so as not to offend Heather Mills.

 

[Don the Don]

I had a go at putting a lighter to one of my farts the other day to see what effect it would have...it made no difference to the flame but everybody else in the lift went ******* mad.

 

[Don the Don]

I was walking past a pet shop. A sign in the window said ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale’
I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went in and asked the assistant
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”

 

[Scrappy]

A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".

Brilliant

 

[MartytheMartian]

The hairy lip squid joke is so old that it has featured on the Antique's roadshow!