Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied. "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or go with loose women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

 

[Don the Don]

Bloke walking down the street, see's his Welsh mate coming towards him hold his left eye.
Bloke says "hello Taff! whats wrong with your eye then"?
"Evan Pugh, hit me in the eye just now, so he did" says Taffy
"was he holding anything then"? says the bloke on seeing the damage done to Taffs eye.
"he was holding an iron bar so he was"
"wasn't you holding anything then"? says the bloke
"I was holding his wifes left tit, but thats no good for fighting with is it now"!

 

[Don the Don]

Fun fact of the day...
While Alan Turing was cracking codes in WW2, his sister Kay was providing drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues...

 

[Don the Don]

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "spit out your gum"

Whilst a train says "chew chew"

Reply

 

[Don the Don]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

 

[Don the Don]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

[Don the Don]

Did you hear that they're now giving Viagra to old men in nursing homes?

It keeps them from rolling off the bed.

 

[Don the Don]

Four old Catholic men, and an old Catholic woman were having coffee, in St. Peter’s Square.

One of the men said “My son is a priest; when he comes into a room, the men all call him ‘Father.’”

Another man said “My son is a Bishop; when he enters a room, the men call him ‘your Grace.’”

The 3rd man said “My son is a Cardinal; when he walks into a room, the men call him ‘your Eminence.’”

The final man proudly said “My son is the Pope; when he comes into a room, men call him “your Holiness.’”

They looked at the woman, who slowly gave them a small smile. She said “My daughter is 26 years old, stands 5’8” tall, weighs 120 lbs, and has measurements of 38, 23, 36. When she walks into a room, all the men say ‘Jesus!’”

 

[Don the Don]

Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home a little later with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me, I'll show you."

He leads them to a cave and says, "Did your sonar pick up that huge rock over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes! yes! it did"

Other bat says, "Well mine feckingwell didn't."

 

[Don the Don]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have
a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think
about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the
beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[Don the Don]

While interviewing a US Army Special Forces soldier in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the soldier what he felt when killing Al Qaeda with a sniper rifle.

The soldier thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."

 

[Don the Don]

Sunderland today announced that they have a new sponsorship deal with TAMPAX , Their chairman said it would help them over this bad period.

 

[Don the Don]

Two sisters - a blonde and a brunette - inherit the family farm , but hit financial trouble .
They need to buy a bull from the market so they can breed their own stock , but only have £600 .
The brunette sets off , telling her sister she will send a telegram when it's time to collect her .
The cheapest bull is £599 , so the brunette pays for it then goes to send the telegram .
A telegram is £1 a word - so the brunette tells the operator ;"just send the word 'comfortable'" .
The operator asks; "how is she ever going to know that you want her to pick you up!"
So the brunette explains ; "my sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly; Com-for-da-bull."

 

[Don the Don]

With the weather condition's being as awful as they are today, i visited my 90 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shop, turns out she did, so i gave her my list.

No point in both of us going out in this weather

 

[Don the Don]

I’ve just bought a race horse. I’ve called it “My Face“. We’re only going to enter it on Ladies Day; I can’t wait to hear all the women screaming “Come on My Face” when it’s on the finish straight.

 

[Bad Billy]

Sunderland today announced that they have a new sponsorship deal with TAMPAX , Their chairman said it would help them over this bad period.

Back in my MotoX days I once had "Team Tampax" written across the back of my race shirt, I got away with it for a couple of meetings before getting pulled by an officious Clerk of the Course, he asked my in rather clipped tones if I was actually sponsored by Tampax, my reply was that I wasn't ....... why have you got Team Tampax on your shirt then? ....... because all my mates say I ride like a C@NT!!

I was told to remove the shirt or go home!

 

[Don the Don]

"Doctor" so you think you're a moth?
what brought you to the surgery tonight?
..
..
" Man" your light was on !!

 

[Don the Don]

'Canapé.'

Scottish for, 'I don't have the money.'

 

[Don the Don]

"canape"

Scottish


Whit's the difference atween a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, an a deid Scotsman?

* A rich Scotsman has a canopy ower the bed.

* A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under the bed.

* A deid Scotsman cannae pee at all'.

 

[Don the Don]

You’ve seen all the TV Commercials.

But what really happens when you ask for help with an Erection lasting more than 4 hours..???

I walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the Only Pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were NO Male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.??
She assured me that she was completely Professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of Professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours.

This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..???
The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do:-
** Free room and board,
** 1/3 ownership in the Store,
** a Company Car,
** a King Size Bed, and
** £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.