Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Chinese kid says “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people lookalike?”
Bloke replies ‘I’m not your dad’
Bloke replies ‘I’m not your dad’
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....
...
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....
...
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.....
The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
The nationality of the 3rd girl is a typo.
She isn't from Jockistan, she's from Birmingham.
But it's ok, you're all safe. I married her!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death..
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A RABBI AND A CATHOLIC PRIEST SIT TOGETHER ON PUBLIC BUS
After a bit, the priest turns to the Rabbi and asks: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.
The Priest then asks: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi quickly looks away, then faces his newly-met companion and replies: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
A while later, the Rabbi speaks up and asks the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replies: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asks him: "Father, have you ever fallen prey to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest frowns, but replies: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nods understandingly and remains silently thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi says:
"Beats a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?”
After a bit, the priest turns to the Rabbi and asks: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.
The Priest then asks: "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi quickly looks away, then faces his newly-met companion and replies: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
A while later, the Rabbi speaks up and asks the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replies: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asks him: "Father, have you ever fallen prey to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest frowns, but replies: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nods understandingly and remains silently thinking for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi says:
"Beats a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
What's the difference between a tramp and an MP?
One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.
The other's a tramp.
One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society.
The other's a tramp.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Russian hokey-kokey champion. Yaputya Leftlegin.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I met a lovely lady last night. She was out with her daughter for a drink, but the daughter left her and that’s when I moved in. Although she was mid 50s, she was hot, funny and coming on strongly to me. So strong in fact, that she asked me what my favourite fantasy was. I said, I’d always wanted to a mother / daughter.
So off we went to her place, me thinking I was in for a special night.
Until she opened the door, put on the lights and yelled “Mum, are you still up?”
So off we went to her place, me thinking I was in for a special night.
Until she opened the door, put on the lights and yelled “Mum, are you still up?”
Big Sandy
Legendary Knight
I posted this on another forum... Got accused of racism! There's another forum that won't see me again.
What was the forum Sandy.I posted this on another forum... Got accused of racism! There's another forum that won't see me again.
I reckon a few of us would enjoy winding up those snowflakes
Unless it's anything to do with aliens
Big Sandy
Legendary Knight
I forgot already......
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager
Barmen
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager
Barmen
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge tits who owns
an off-licence and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge tits who owns
an off-licence and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't care.