Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two sperms swimming along, one asks, 'When do we get to the ovaries?'
Other replies, 'Not for ages, we're only just going past the tonsils!'
Other replies, 'Not for ages, we're only just going past the tonsils!'
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Three little 8 year old kids, a girl and two boys are in the primary school play.
The little girl just stands on the stage and the first little boy has to walk on and say,
'Fair maiden I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.'
The second little boy then runs on and says, 'Hark, a pistol shot!'
All through rehersals everything goes well, on the big night they're on stage, the curtains go back, they see all the doting parents in the hall, and panic!
The little girl stands there quivering and the first boy walks on and says,
'Fair midden,I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap.'
Second boy runs on and shouts, 'Hark, a shistol pot, a postil shit, cowshit, bullshit, ah bollocks, I didn't want to be in the feckiing play anyway!'
The little girl just stands on the stage and the first little boy has to walk on and say,
'Fair maiden I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.'
The second little boy then runs on and says, 'Hark, a pistol shot!'
All through rehersals everything goes well, on the big night they're on stage, the curtains go back, they see all the doting parents in the hall, and panic!
The little girl stands there quivering and the first boy walks on and says,
'Fair midden,I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap.'
Second boy runs on and shouts, 'Hark, a shistol pot, a postil shit, cowshit, bullshit, ah bollocks, I didn't want to be in the feckiing play anyway!'
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A rather well proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her holiday sunbathing on the roof of the hotel because being locked down in her flat she didn't really get much fresh air/sun for months.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bum.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bum.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I got a tattoo on my calf yesterday. I'm getting the cow done next week.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Do you want to go to heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were trying to get a group booking to go now."
Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were trying to get a group booking to go now."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times.
That actually beats my record, set in 2013, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together....
That actually beats my record, set in 2013, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together....
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of women before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Geordie goes with a prostitute while on the p*ss in Blackpool. Drops his pants, gets his thing out and the lass says: "By eck! That's a gud un!"
Geordie says: "What's a 'gud un'?"
She replies:"It means a big one."
She drops her knickers and Geordie says: "why eye! That's a canny un!"
She says: "What's a 'canny un'?"
Geordie replies: "A fookin big valley that cowboys ride through!"
Geordie says: "What's a 'gud un'?"
She replies:"It means a big one."
She drops her knickers and Geordie says: "why eye! That's a canny un!"
She says: "What's a 'canny un'?"
Geordie replies: "A fookin big valley that cowboys ride through!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” Then he takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then...” and he says this with a deep sigh...
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” Then he takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then...” and he says this with a deep sigh...
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Capt. Drunkey
King Of The Schnitzelwiesels
FIGHT DECK
Scrappy
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I watched a beauty contest in Swansea while I was on holiday.
The girl who won had 36 double D's.
Even by Welsh standards, that's a long surname.
The girl who won had 36 double D's.
Even by Welsh standards, that's a long surname.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A recent study by a well known men's magazine found that 43% of women had used vibrators.
The other 57% had new ones
The other 57% had new ones
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Yesterday I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the Toothbrush.
I didn't see any plaque?
I didn't see any plaque?
