Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.

For £100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the duvet back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a knife to the man's throat, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous.

Who do you think paid for the Mercedes I said I bought for you? He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?.. He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”

Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”

Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”

Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”

Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”

Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”

Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”

Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”

Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road outside the houses of parliament. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window.
The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the MP's in the houses of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million pounds ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"
The man replied, "Roughly a gallon.
 
T

The Departed

Guest
WHEN I BORN I BLACK,
WHEN I GROW UP I BLACK,
WHEN I GO IN IN SUN I BLACK,
WHEN I I SCARED I BLACK,
WHEN I SICK I BLACK,
AND WHEN I DIE I STILL BLACK.

AND YOU WHITE FELLA
WHEN YOU BORN YOU PINK,
WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU WHITE,
WHEN YOU GO IN THE SUN YOU RED,
WHEN YOU COLD YOU BLUE,
WHEN YOU SCARED YOU YELLOW,
WHEN YOU SICK YOU GREEN,
AND WHEN YOU DIE YOU GREY,

AND YOUR CALLING ME COLOURED??
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ' Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on, and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. Thereafter he quickly realized that he couldn’t separate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn’t find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seemed to work.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?”

“Don’t worry”, replied the customer service representative.

“The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on a country road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?
'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water."
 
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