Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we
had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not
a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but
the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the
receipt and saw £45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer
and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Today's METRO (London free morning paper) contains a short piece that details the numbers of military personnel prescribed Viagra last year:
418 members of the Army
258 Navy personnel
205 in the RAF

Taking into account the difference in the size of each service it works out at:

Approximate size of British Army; 82,000.
Approximate size of Royal Navy / Royal Marines; 39,000
Approximate size of RAF; 33,000.

Royal Navy/Royal Marines: 0.66%
Royal Air Force: 0.55%
British Army: 0.36%


Now I don't know how accurate those figures are above all supplied from that paper but we have all known for a long time that our Navy was short of Seamen.............:whistle:
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
I went to see my `quack` the other day after much wrangling with the receptionist about telephone consultations;
Doc;"What is so important,Mr S,that you have to come in person ...?"
Me "Doc , I need some Viagra for my condition when I get up in the mornings,I only need half a tablet"
Doc."What do you think your young `carer` is going to think,or say about that,she may be embarassed about it...?"
Me," I think she`ll be pleased about not having to pick -up pee-sodden slippers any more"
Doc.."Okay,just half a tablet a day,otherwise you`ll need a decorator to repaint the ceiling..."
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
One day a farmer was out mending fences, and at some point along the way he lost his Bible.
A month later one of his sheep walks up to him, clutching the Bible between its teeth.
"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "thank you Lord, it's a miracle!"
"Not really," says the sheep, "your name's inside the cover,
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the policeman.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quietly, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Not everyone pays..
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the Pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me Horny.. keep me Potent."

The Pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The man says, "Great. Gimme Three Boxes."

The next day the man walks into the same Pharmacy. Limps up to the Pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The Pharmacist looks in Horror as he notices the man's Penis is Black and Blue, and the Skin is Hanging off in Some Places.

The man says, "Quick. Gimme a tube of Deep Heat."

The Pharmacist replies in Horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that"..!

The Man says, "No, it's for my Arms, the Girls didn't show up.
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I went into one that had two bogs.
One of the bog doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trollies and sat
down.
Suddenly and without warning, a voice came from the toilet next to me:
"Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied
"Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again,
"So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly,
"Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There's some **** in the crapper next to me answering everything I say.'
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Oh its been one of those days.
I was sat in a toilet cubicle, been there an hour trying to do a shit, but I was so constipated.
Just then the door of the adjoining cubicle opens as someone walks in. Shortly afterwards I hear the sound of an almighty wet fart and the smell of fresh shit fills the air .
"I wish that was me," I said out loud.
"So do I," cried a voice, "I haven`t pulled my ruddy trousers down yet."
 
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