Joke of the day.

DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
Don the Don said:
Members who reacted to message #457

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Haha
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F*ck Off
F*ck Off (1)​

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Sorry mate,
It was sausage fingers V's small phone screen. It wasn't intentional & I've corrected it.
I haven't intentionally used the "F#ck Off" emoji on anyone since we started the forum.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

'Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

'Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.’
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A Demon approaches the Devil and says.”Dark lord, Two men from Glasgow have been sent here. What should be done with them?”The Devil says. “Glaswegians? Their kind and are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain. Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later.”

But when the Devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.”What is the meaning of this?” The Devil cried. “You’re supposed to be in torment!”The Glaswegians looked surprised. “Naw.” They said. “It’s pure quality taps aff weather here man. It’s no drab an’ dreech like Scotland, you know that way?”

Fuming, the Devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the Demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.So the Devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and a couple of bottles of Buckfast tonic wine.Raising a glass to the Devil, one of the Scotsmen said. “Hey big man, If I’d known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I’d’ve done a whole lot more sinning! Weather’s always miserable in the Gorbals. Always freezin’ ma nuts off, ye know?”

I see.” The Devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth. “Your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we’ll see about that.”So he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.

The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and Demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.But when the Devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering. “Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!”The Devil’s jaw dropped. “What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?”One of Glaswegians turned back and said……”Is it no Feckin’ obvious Big Man? Hell’s frozen over this means Scotland’s won the World Cup!
 
T

The Departed

Guest
A @BAD LUCK DUCK walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"😂🤣🤣
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week.
 
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