Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife..."

 

[Don the Don]

Years back, a bloke was sitting quietly in the pub when a statuesque black lady comes and joins him. They get on well, chatting away and having few drinks until he needs to go for a piss. He leaves his half finished pint on the table.

As he’s coming out of the gents, he sees the black lady holding his glass and quickly putting it back on the table. He sits down and carefully takes a sip, but is overcome my the most foul smell of shit.

He looks at the woman and loudly asks “you fart in my Whitbread?”. She smiles and answers, “no, I’m Tessa Sanderson”

 

[Don the Don]

The scene is a somewhat rundown pub somewhere in the UK. It's early on a Friday evening and only a few of the locals are in.

A tall well proportioned, seductively dressed middle aged female comes out of the ladies toilets and walks up to the bar. She looks at the barman, leans over the bar and huskily says "You look like someone important to me, are you the owner?"

The barman, a middle aged fat bloke with a big bushy beard is somewhat shocked, but shakes his head. The woman beckons him closer, he moves right up to her and she gently runs the fingers of her left hand through his hair. "Come on, you must be someone important in the running of this fine establishment. Are you the manager then"?

The barman is still too stunned to speak, so again he shakes his head. The woman then begins to slowly run the fingers of her right hand through his beard "well then, can I trust you do give a message to the manager for me"?

The barman nods his head this time, and the woman puts both hands on the bar so she can lean in close and whisper in his ear "tell the manager, there is no toilet roll in the ladies"

 

[Don the Don]

Following the recent allegations of sexual misconduct,
MI5 have given Prince Andrew some advice,
Clear your browsing history pretty sharpish.

 

[Don the Don]

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,
but you'll never convince me a chicken fried the rice.

 

[Don the Don]

I asked my mate how long he'd been wearing an earring.
He said it was since his wife found it in his car

 

[Don the Don]

Just watched an fascinating documentary about the sun.
Good half hour's light entertainment....

 

[Don the Don]

Just watched a documentary about beavers.
Best dam programme I’ve ever seen.

 

[Don the Don]

I once thanked a Frenchman 200 times and he died.
It was a merci killing

 

[Don the Don]

Subway in Leeds are after staff, they are looking for someone to fill the roll

 

[Don the Don]

If like me, you wonder why Bruce Willis
keeps making the same films.
Well you know what they say about old habits

 

[Don the Don]

I went online to find my ancestors,
but they're all dead

 

[Don the Don]

Our goldfish died last night after my kids accidentally fed him small pieces of polystyrene.
I'm still trying to flush it down the toilet

 

[DD67]

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS#Shorts #YouTubeShorts #Short► Submit Videos For Me To React to in our Discord- https://discord.gg/CCtqr3b Surfnboy's Socials ►●Twitter-...

youtube.com

 

[MartytheMartian]

That's a syndrome that is common in human beings. It's like when you take a seat on a bus or a train and, even if the thing is empty some fecker feels the need to sit beside you even if you try to make it as politely obvious as possible that you don't wish their company. They simply don't want to be out there on their own.

 

[DD67]

That's a syndrome that is common in human beings. It's like when you take a seat on a bus or a train and, even if the thing is empty some fecker feels the need to sit beside you even if you try to make it as politely obvious as possible that you don't wish their company. They simply don't want to be out there on their own.

You "may" have missed the joke Marty?
Did you watch the video to the end?

 

[MartytheMartian]

I did Jez but I didn't pick up on him getting into the car that you expect him to be calling a 'piece of crap'. I automatically assumed he was the sports car owner and I guess that's what you're supposed to think.

It is a real phenomenon though. My brother was a big early model MR2 fan and usually had a couple of them at any given time and, to avoid getting scratched doors he would park in the farthest corner of empty car parks and yet, when he would go back to the car someone would always have parked right next to his beloved MR2.

 

[DD67]

I did Jez but I didn't pick up on him getting into the car that you expect him to be calling a 'piece of crap'. I automatically assumed he was the sports car owner and I guess that's what you're supposed to think.

It is a real phenomenon though. My brother was a big early model MR2 fan and usually had a couple of them at any given time and, to avoid getting scratched doors he would park in the farthest corner of empty car parks and yet, when he would go back to the car someone would always have parked right next to his beloved MR2.

Ask your brother if he ever considered a Fiat X19? It was the same idea as a MK1 MR2. i.e. a not very powerful, but mid engined 2 seater. That only really worked due to its power to weight ratio.

Back in the day (when Noah was a lad)
I thought they were the dogs bits (to look at)
Then I got an opportunity to drive one

The reality was a tiny (built for thalidomide midgets that had obviously lost both legs in a previous X19 accident) car.
It definitely wasn't built to accommodate the likes of you or I Marty!

To coin a phrase, @Don the Don would feel like he was wearing it, not driving it!

 

[Don the Don]

That's a syndrome that is common in human beings. It's like when you take a seat on a bus or a train and, even if the thing is empty some fecker feels the need to sit beside you even if you try to make it as politely obvious as possible that you don't wish their company. They simply don't want to be out there on their own.

My ability to break wind at all times has always given me ample room to spread out on public transport

 

[Don the Don]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.