MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
She might have been @Sarky B’stard but if she was I dodged a bullet, possibly literally, as she was an absolute psycho although she did bear a resemblance to the legendary Betty Page.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
As the burglar entered the darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes...
...and then let the cat do the rest.
...and then let the cat do the rest.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I qued 40 minutes to get petrol yesterday, when I got to the petrol pumps I became all emotional.
I started to fill up.
I started to fill up.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I got the sack from my job at the local Salvation Army soup kitchen yesterday evening. All I said was, "Come on. eat up, some of us have fecking homes to go to!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic.
The nurse asked the rabbit “what’s your blood type?”
“I am probably a type O” says the rabbit.
The nurse asked the rabbit “what’s your blood type?”
“I am probably a type O” says the rabbit.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Due to the fuel shortage, Chris Rea has just started walking home for Christmas
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My wife had a right go at me for letting fireworks off when it's not even Halloween yet.
If she keeps on, I'm going to take the Christmas tree down
If she keeps on, I'm going to take the Christmas tree down
Big Sandy
Legendary Knight
Seemingly the below comes from a Caithness school test ..... kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected, incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've decided to release a Christmas record called "Duvet know it's Christmas"
It's a cover version.
It's a cover version.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Unfortunately, my Obese Parrot has just died.
I'm so sad but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
I'm so sad but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’
MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
A chap spies a naked woman sunbathing and says to his mate "Is that Fanny Brown?" to which he replies "No it's just sunburnt"
Big Sandy
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
** Be aware ** We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them) we went to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!! We thought what in the world is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
.
And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!
.
And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!
BAD LUCK DUCK
Forum Duck
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
3 mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who`s the hardest...
Aberdeen mouse says: "i go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it accross the room!"
Edinburgh mouse says: i get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!"
Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door..
"where u goin?" asked the other two,
"hame tae shag the cat"
Aberdeen mouse says: "i go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it accross the room!"
Edinburgh mouse says: i get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!"
Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door..
"where u goin?" asked the other two,
"hame tae shag the cat"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"
"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."
"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Hear about the psycho who escaped from the asylum, hid in a laundrette, sexually assaulted some customers and then legged it before the cops got there?
The headline in the newspaper read
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
The headline in the newspaper read
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"