Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

My missus and I went to the Royal Kent Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR".

She playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR".

She gave me a healthy jab and said, 'Wow, that's more than twice! a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".

My missus was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said 'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one.'


I looked at her and said 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' .

.
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Don the Don]

Are you an old person suffering with insomnia?...
well cheer up...at least you won't die in your sleep.

 

[Don the Don]

Do you know Murphy 's law?

Yes, if something can go wrong it will.

That's it, do you know Cole' s law.

No, what's that.

Thinly sliced cabbage.

 

[Don the Don]

Why does the Avon lady have a funny walk?

Her lipstick.

 

[Don the Don]

A man diagnosed with D.I.Y shoppers syndrome has been given six Wickes to live.

 

[Don the Don]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.
Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

 

[Don the Don]

Is the national anthem country music?

 

[Don the Don]

Just saw a bloke in Tesco buying 10 six packs of San Miguel, 20 paella ready meals, 10 boxes of tacos and 3 sombreros.
I thought here we go again …
Hispanic buying …

 

[Don the Don]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.
‘Oi sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and tongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and tongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.

 

[Don the Don]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the pub.

 

[Don the Don]

I got stung by nettles earlier...
He charged me £200 for a signed ‘Bergerac’ DVD!

 

[Don the Don]

I've just taken out a subscription for Imodium Monthly Magazine.
Part 1 comes with a free ring binder!

 

[DD67]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the pub.

Within 2 days of getting Lilly. Mrs DD was away on a course with work for a week or so.
Consequently I was in charge of dog walking duties.

When she returned she tried to walk Lilly past our local pub, but got dragged in. And was met with..."Hello Lilly, are you back for more crisps & pork scratchings?"...

Ya can't trust anyone. I was grassed up by my own dog!

 

[Big Sandy]

A lady walks into a Land Rover dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Range Rover and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[Don the Don]

A friend of mine in London was reading “The Exorcist “. He said it was the evilest book he’d ever read and that it was so evil that he couldn’t finish it.
He picked the book up and walked to the nearby River Thames and hurled the book as far as he could into its dark and murky depths.
After he told me I went to Waterstone's and bought another copy. I took it with me the following week when I called around to go to the pub.
When he was upstairs I ran it underwater...
... and put it in his desk drawer.

 

[DD67]

A friend of mine in London was reading “The Exorcist “. He said it was the evilest book he’d ever read and that it was so evil that he couldn’t finish it.
He picked the book up and walked to the nearby River Thames and hurled the book as far as he could into its dark and murky depths.
After he told me I went to Waterstone's and bought another copy. I took it with me the following week when I called around to go to the pub.
When he was upstairs I ran it underwater...
... and put it in his desk drawer.

I love it!
That's a top notch b@stard in action

 

[MartytheMartian]

One night some years ago about 1am I got a text along the lines of "I'm coming for you!" on my mobile from a number I didn't recognise. I replied " Who is this and what do you want?" to which came back " None of your business who this is but just know I'm coming for you". This went on and the texts included details of my house and detailed the timing of my imminent demise. I'm starting to think that it's time to defend myself and I've got my pet combat knife ready and waiting to deal with my mystery opponent. Turned out it was a lassie I knew from Edinburgh who had got a new phone and decided to have a laugh! It's amazing what a simple trick can do to the old mind when you are alone in the dead of night.

 

[DD67]

One night some years ago about 1am I got a text along the lines of "I'm coming for you!" on my mobile from a number I didn't recognise. I replied " Who is this and what do you want?" to which came back " None of your business who this is but just know I'm coming for you". This went on and the texts included details of my house and detailed the timing of my imminent demise. I'm starting to think that it's time to defend myself and I've got my pet combat knife ready and waiting to deal with my mystery opponent. Turned out it was a lassie I knew from Edinburgh who had got a new phone and decided to have a laugh! It's amazing what a simple trick can do to the old mind when you are alone in the dead of night.

I may have told you lot this story before?

Whenever I used to ring my mate Bob on his home phone, invariably his Mrs answered.
I always said "what colour knickers are you wearing?"
She'd laugh & say "Hi Jez, I'll get him for you"
One day I called, a female answered & I did my usual trick.
Only this time the female voice said..."What! who is this?!?"...
The conversation continued with me getting more & more smutty.

Eventually the female voice said..."I think I should get my Mum"...

It was their teenage daughter!
That was the last time I ever did it. Talk about embarrassing

 

[Sarky B’stard]

One night some years ago about 1am I got a text along the lines of "I'm coming for you!" on my mobile from a number I didn't recognise. I replied " Who is this and what do you want?" to which came back " None of your business who this is but just know I'm coming for you". This went on and the texts included details of my house and detailed the timing of my imminent demise. I'm starting to think that it's time to defend myself and I've got my pet combat knife ready and waiting to deal with my mystery opponent. Turned out it was a lassie I knew from Edinburgh who had got a new phone and decided to have a laugh! It's amazing what a simple trick can do to the old mind when you are alone in the dead of night.

You old dog! Was she fantasising over you?

 

[The Departed]

One night some years ago about 1am I got a text along the lines of "I'm coming for you!" on my mobile from a number I didn't recognise. I replied " Who is this and what do you want?" to which came back " None of your business who this is but just know I'm coming for you". This went on and the texts included details of my house and detailed the timing of my imminent demise. I'm starting to think that it's time to defend myself and I've got my pet combat knife ready and waiting to deal with my mystery opponent. Turned out it was a lassie I knew from Edinburgh who had got a new phone and decided to have a laugh! It's amazing what a simple trick can do to the old mind when you are alone in the dead of night.

Exactly the same but this was an asian bloke - ended up me outside the house tooled up he and his mates drove up I charged and he said "oh your not him" he apologised and drove off