Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
3 bodies turn up at the mortuary all with smiles on their faces. The cop asks the coroner, "why are they all smiling?" The Coroner says, "1st guy died of heart attack while making love to his wife, hence the smile. 2nd guy won the lottery, spent it on whiskey and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. 3rd guy Paddy from Dublin was struck by lightening" The cop asks,"why the feck was he smiling?" The coroner replies,"He thought he was having his photo taken!"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group; Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

What's up?" he asks? "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the Teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads Brazil 1 Scotland 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes) He is beating Scotland all by himself.

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".

They put the Teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!


"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money, Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris, I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer, Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
 
Flynnt20

Flynnt20

Legendary Knight
Just had the kicking of my life , was shagging the woman next door on her kitchen table and we heard the front door opening
" Oh for fuck sake its my husband " she shouted " quick use the back door "
I really should have just legged it but you dont get an offer like that every day do you
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Girl goes to the chemists and asks if they sell condoms.
"Yes, what brand do you want ?"
Girl says "Not sure, they are for my new boyfriend"
"Well, we have a variety pack... different sizes, colours, and styles"
Girl: "That'll work"
A couple of months later she goes back to the chemist and asks if they sell maternity bras.
Chemist asked, "Yes, what size bust ?"
Girl: "The large green one did"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
Sarky B’stard

Sarky B’stard

Legendary Knight
Don the Don said:
The fact men and women don't understand each other can be epitomised by one word......Flatulence
To women it's an embarrassing bi product of indigestion
To men it's a constant source of amusement
Click to expand...
I am afraid to their eternal shame both my daughters intimidate their husbands with their capacity to conjure up window rattling reports. Ladylike it ain’t but I weep with pride.

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