Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The newest Kit Kat, Kit Kat Norfolk, like a usual one but with an extra finger
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
PENSIONERS
Be careful in the travel agents,
18-30 holidays are not the bedtimes.
Be careful in the travel agents,
18-30 holidays are not the bedtimes.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The highlight of my holiday, a trip to the zoo, was seeing an antelope
I'd never seen an insect get married before
I'd never seen an insect get married before
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Home, home on the range
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
'Cos what the hell can an antelope say...?
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
'Cos what the hell can an antelope say...?
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Paddy is on a promise with Maeve and needs to buy condoms. He’s a little tired and confused on account of the six pints of Guinness he consumed for lunch. He staggers into the shoe shop next to the chemists.
“How can I help you” asks the attractive young shop assistant. Embarrassed to ask the girl for a condom, he says “I’d like to buy one”.
The girl smiles and answers “Sir, we only sell them in pairs”, but Paddy insists that he only wants one.
The girl explains that she might have some mismatched pairs in the store amd asks “what size do you wear” and Paddy answers “Large”. The girls replies, “They come in lots of different sizes. Large would by about 12. I’ll need to measure your foot”.
At which point, Paddy undoes his flies and takes out his cock. The girl, now very flustered, screams “that’s not a foot”.
Paddy answers “no, but it’s a good six inches “
“How can I help you” asks the attractive young shop assistant. Embarrassed to ask the girl for a condom, he says “I’d like to buy one”.
The girl smiles and answers “Sir, we only sell them in pairs”, but Paddy insists that he only wants one.
The girl explains that she might have some mismatched pairs in the store amd asks “what size do you wear” and Paddy answers “Large”. The girls replies, “They come in lots of different sizes. Large would by about 12. I’ll need to measure your foot”.
At which point, Paddy undoes his flies and takes out his cock. The girl, now very flustered, screams “that’s not a foot”.
Paddy answers “no, but it’s a good six inches “
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was sat in the car at dusk, watching a kestrel hunt. Magnificent to watch. Enola Gay was playing on the radio. I waited until the music was finished, and stepped out of the car, but it was now dark, the bird had gone and I was disappointed that I couldn't watch kestrel manoeuvres in the dark
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Had my first cage fight this evening.
That budgie never stood a chance
That budgie never stood a chance
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My wife's so ungrateful
She never thanked me for a lying in this morning, even though it meant she could get all the housework done without me getting in the way.
She never thanked me for a lying in this morning, even though it meant she could get all the housework done without me getting in the way.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Another wooden ball.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy,
Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy,
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Fed up with flies in the kitchen?
Get rid of them by keeping a bucket of shit in the lounge.
Get rid of them by keeping a bucket of shit in the lounge.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
If you finger bang a Gypsy fortune teller while she is on her period, you get your palm red at no extra cost.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Interesting fact. Deep Heat kills pubic lice stone dead. Don't ask me how I know this.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
If a Farmer's wife leaves him, does she leave a John Deere letter?
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
For sale:
DeLorean DMC-12.
No time wasters.
DeLorean DMC-12.
No time wasters.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Faith can move mountains.
She's just bought a big digger
She's just bought a big digger
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I'm test marketing my new Frank Sinatra jigsaw in New York.
If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere...
If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere...
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Just had a text
Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register. To opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month to receive your free "lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.
Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register. To opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month to receive your free "lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Many years ago, my mate set me up on a blind date.
He said "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby".
I felt a right plonker sitting in the pub wearing just a nappy.
He said "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby".
I felt a right plonker sitting in the pub wearing just a nappy.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I went on the piss with a few mates and we ended up in Amsterdam for the weekend.
Not wanting to upset the wife I thought I'd buy her a present. She loves flowers and I looked all over but couldn't find anything appropriate so I decided to buy her a sex toy. I went into the first sex shop I could find and bought a vagina. When I got home, before she started shouting, I gave her the present. Calming down slightly, she opened up the box and took out the vagina.
"What the fucks this?" She said.
"Two lips from Amsterdam" I replied.
Not wanting to upset the wife I thought I'd buy her a present. She loves flowers and I looked all over but couldn't find anything appropriate so I decided to buy her a sex toy. I went into the first sex shop I could find and bought a vagina. When I got home, before she started shouting, I gave her the present. Calming down slightly, she opened up the box and took out the vagina.
"What the fucks this?" She said.
"Two lips from Amsterdam" I replied.