Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

 

[Don the Don]

Me; Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset
How do you manage to control your temper ?
Wife; I just go and clean the toilet
Me; How does that help ?
Wife; I use your toothbrush

 

[Don the Don]

Before the 'Iron Age' was everything creased ?

 

[Scrappy]

Why does this sales guy sound more than bit "gay"?
It gives completely the wrong impression to potential buyers of such a great car!

Somehow those performance figures don't impress me when Germaine is telling me about them. And why did he seem to hang on his comment of "rear wheels only"?

@BAD LUCK DUCK
I feel the need to call upon your expert experience/advice.
As long as that advice doesn't include f#ckin up the bonnet of our Merc with a large chrome duck

PS...
Doesn't @Bad Billy currently live in Southampton? If Germaine is one of his mates? Maybe he could pass on my observations? In an informative, yet non critical way

If you name your kid Germaine, what the hell do you expect, he didn't really have any chance did he

 

[Don the Don]

Apparently the benchmark for a good Gynaecologist is one who can decorate the hallway through the letterbox...

 

[Don the Don]

I had Beaver Massala last night,

It's like korma, but a little 'otter.

 

[Don the Don]

Bertie Basset was arrested during the course of Operation Yewtree.

Turned out he was into Allsorts.

 

[Don the Don]

I was in Leicester and I saw a job advertised for "Gynaecological Assistant".
I popped in and asked for more details.
"Well," says the receptionist, "you have to help ladies get ready for the examination. Help them out of their underwear, lay them down, apply shaving foam to their private parts and shave them. The job pays £45,000 a year. Only problem is, you have to go to Nottingham."

"Is that where the job is?" I asked.

"No," she said "that's where the end of the queue for applicants is."

 

[Don the Don]

This year's World Karaoke Championship has been won by India for the first time.
"I'm really thrilled, it's a great honor to represent my country" said Gedupta Singh.

 

[Don the Don]

What goes "clip clop clip clop bang bang clippity clop clippity clop........."?
.
.
..
An Amish drive by shooting

 

[Don the Don]

If you ever get locked out of your home or car,
talk calmly to the lock.
Because Communication is key

 

[Don the Don]

My pal Paddy is a bit of a D.I.Y. nut and asked me to come round to see that he had knocked the lounge into another room to make more space.
I went in and he asked what i thought.
"Well Paddy it doesent really look much bigger but it is certainly the tallest I have ever seen"

 

[Don the Don]

Three dinosaurs were out hunting together when they came across a lamp. Out popped a genie who gave them a wish each.
The first one wishes that it would rain sausages. The three dinosaurs find themselves in a storm of sausages.
The second dinosaur thinks for a while and, to outdo his friend, asks for it to rain steaks. And so, they find themselves bombarded with steaks of all kinds.
The third dinosaur thinks really hard because he really wants to outdo the other two. After a while, his face broadens into a grin and he says,
“I’d like a meatier shower”

 

[Don the Don]

Just been watching the news. Apparently the police are holding three men over a fire in West London
Bit harsh, I wonder what they've done....

 

[Don the Don]

Several armed men hijacked a cement mixer and crashed it.

Police are looking for three hardened criminals.

 

[Don the Don]

A tanker carrying blue paint has collided with one carrying red paint in the Pacific. Both crews were marooned.

 

[Don the Don]

An Indian walks into a grocery store and says " Excuse me Sah have you got any toilet rolls?"
The grocer says, yes sir, I have these super softs at £5, those semi softs at £3.50, and finaly I have these at 20p, the only trouble is they have no name.
The Indian thinks about it for a moment and says, " I'll take the ones with no name please sah" so he pays the grocer and leaves.
About two hours later the Indian is back at the store and says, "You know those toilet rolls with no name?, well I have a name for them"
The grocer asks "What name would that be sir?"
The Indian says " John Wayne "
A bit bemused the grocer asked " Why would you call a toilet roll John Wayne?"
The Indian replies, " Vell sah, they're rough, they're tough and they don't take sh!t from no Indians!!"

 

[Don the Don]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

[Don the Don]

THIS IS AN ANOUNCEMENT ON BEHALF OF THE BRITISH PREMATURE EJACULATION SOCIETY.
The anual dinner is being held tomorrow evening, there is no dress code, just come in your pants.

 

[Don the Don]

Nobody is saying that Coleen Rooney is thick but when she heard that Wayne had spent
£1900 on an escort, she wanted to know if it was taxed and insured !