Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

The year is 2021.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones.
There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my backside and wriggles it about a bit.

 

[DD67]

However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my backside and wriggles it about a bit.

I had my first one today
No steak meal beforehand. Not even flowers or chocolates. And I bet the Dr never calls me

Previously it's been done with a blood test. Strangely enough, I much preferred that method of checking it out

 

[half ton]

I've only ever had the one probing I went to the doctors about something else and he said...we don't see you here very much do we...drop your trousers and get on the bed I'm going to examine your prostate,When I argued the point his reply was ..if I had asked you to come in for one would you have done so...1-0 to the doc.

 

[DD67]

I've only ever had the one probing I went to the doctors about something else and he said...we don't see you here very much do we...drop your trousers and get on the bed I'm going to examine your prostate,When I argued the point his reply was ..if I had asked you to come in for one would you have done so...1-0 to the doc.

I heard that they can't keep you away now.
Apparently even when you go to collect a prescription for somebody else. You wear shorts & take your own towel, gloves & lube

 

[Sarky B’stard]

The year is 2021.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones.
There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my backside and wriggles it about a bit.

 

[Sarky B’stard]

I've only ever had the one probing I went to the doctors about something else and he said...we don't see you here very much do we...drop your trousers and get on the bed I'm going to examine your prostate,When I argued the point his reply was ..if I had asked you to come in for one would you have done so...1-0 to the doc.

I’d have told him I’d never been to a one eyed Dr before.

 

[Don the Don]

While I was working in a chocolate factory one of the team fell into a vat of chocolate.
Someone started to climb into the Vat to save their colleague.
I told him "Billy don't be an Aero"

 

[Don the Don]

My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas.

 

[Don the Don]

With all those Afghanis they brought over I was expecting Poppies to be cheaper this year.

 

[Don the Don]

They are bringing out a new bond film to silence the woke brigade.....
Bond starts out as a male and by the end of the film transgenders to female
they are calling it....
Cocktopussy

 

[Don the Don]

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14 day diet in 3 hours and 18 minutes

 

[MartytheMartian]

I shot my first ever Turkey today. Scared the hell out of everyone in Asda

 

[Don the Don]

Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to God how he had created the best motorcycle in the world !

God disagreed saying BMW's were better designed bike.

Harley said " what the heck do you know about design . You created women and look at the problems we have with them !"

"ahem" says God "I think you will find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours

 

[Don the Don]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain."Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one... I like to watch my money grow.

Two... once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three... I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly... instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."

 

[Don the Don]

A man had a visitation from God and God tells him to get into heaven he must give up smoking, drinking and sex.

The man says he will try ... A fortnight goes by and God visits the man to see how he is doing

"not bad " says the man "i have given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer i just could not help myself and we had anal sex!"

"We don't like that sort of behaviour in heaven" says God

The man replies " there are not to happy about it in Asda either"

 

[Don the Don]

My partner had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the bike out in thirty seconds.

 

[Don the Don]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward.
Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.

 

[Don the Don]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry,your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£250?" she cried, "£250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £250."

 

[Don the Don]

I was on Dragon's Den but I got thrown out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "piss off and make us a cuppa while us men talk business" is unacceptable.

 

[Don the Don]

A copper sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice looking woman is driving and smells booze on her breath.
He says "Im going to have to give you a breathalyser test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows into the bag and he walks over to the police car. After a couple of minutes he comes back and says, "looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"You mean it shows that, too?" she replies.