Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

Got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breasts spilling out. I couldn’t help staring.
It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

 

[Don the Don]

I bought a beautiful jumper from a factory seconds outlet…. You’d never notice but one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.

 

[Don the Don]

Tesco have announced that they will be adding a new beer to their value real ale range.
Alongside the affordable Simply Golden Ale and the inexpensive Simply Dark,
they're adding Simply Red, for when money's too tight to mention.

 

[Don the Don]

Travelling through deepest, darkest Africa with my manservant Jeeves, we broke into a clearing.
There were broken eggshells everywhere. “this was obviously the work of poachers,” I said.

 

[Don the Don]

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he can annoy the French for the rest of his life.

 

[Don the Don]

When my wife was giving birth to our daughter, the midwife said, ‘What about epidural anaesthesia?’ I said ‘We already picked names, thanks!’

 

[Don the Don]

A male and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they saw a whaling ship. The male whale looked at the female and said “I think that’s the boat that harpooned and killed my father. If we swim under it and blow out our air holes together it should roll over and sink”

So off they dived and came up below the whaling ship. On the count of three, they blew their air holes together and sure enough the ship began to roll over.

Soon enough the crew started to abandon ship, jumping off and starting to swim for the shore. The still outraged male whale was angry that they were getting away and yelled at the female “let’s chase them all towards the shore and gobble them up”

To which she replied “look, I went along with the blow job, but I’m sure as hell not swallowing the seamen”.

 

[Don the Don]

At the Farmer's Market yesterday, someone was selling hand raised pork pies.
I would like to raise a couple of my own for Christmas.
anyone recommend a breeder?
and what do baby pork pies eat?

 

[Don the Don]

Think twice before getting a rescue cat.
My nan had one,
She slipped and fell one day,
the cat sat there and did nothing

 

[Big Sandy]

One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give £2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”

The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Harry, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the £2.”

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said, Jesus Christ.”

Marvin replied: “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”

 

[Don the Don]

There was actually a dinosaur called the clitorisaurus​

You haven't heard of it because no one can find it

 

[Don the Don]

Bloke comes home from work early to find his wife in bed with her toyboy.
'What's going on here?' he shouts.
Wife turns to toyboy and says, 'What did I tell you, thick as shit.'

 

[Don the Don]

A little girl kneels down to say her prayers before bed. Her father watches over her.

Little Girl: "Please bless mommy, daddy and grandmom. Goodbye grandpop."

Dad: "Why did you say goodbye to grandpop?"

Little girl: "I don't know. I just felt like I had to say it."

The following day, grandpop dies.

A couple weeks later it's prayer time again.

Little Girl: "Please bless mommy and daddy. Goodbye grandmom."

Dad: "Why did you say goodbye to grandmom?"

Little girl: "I don't know. I just felt like I had to say it."

The following day, grandmom dies.

A week or so later the little girl is again saying her prayers.

"Please bless mommy. Goodbye Daddy."

The father, very concerned, doesn't ask why she said goodbye to him. The next day he's walking on eggshells. He's very careful in everything he does. When he gets home from work he settles in, somewhat relieved.

Dad to wife: "How was your day?"

Wife: "Better than the postman's. He dropped dead on the lawn today."

 

[Don the Don]

A large oil company has announced they are going to start producing fuel from insect urine.
I think it's BP

 

[Don the Don]

He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out whose naughty and nice
Santa Claus is in contravention of Article 4 of General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016 / 679

 

[Don the Don]

Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.

 

[Don the Don]

When I was born and my father picked me up for the first time he said to my mother “ The kid’s got bad breath and a hair lip “. She said “ You’re holding him upside down ! “

 

[Don the Don]

Suppositories are useless. You might as well shove them up your árse.

 

[Don the Don]

Before the crowbar was invented,
crows drank at home

 

[Don the Don]

Been to see a 4 x 4 specialist this morning.
Apparently it's 16.