Joke of the day.

[MartytheMartian]

I worked with a lassie who rented a flat for her and her kid in a tenement building on the rough side of town. One night the local Plod put in her door by mistake with their 'big red key'. They then got the right flat (next door) and arrested the drug dealer who lived there. They then posted a Plod at the drug dealers door while they waited for the locksmith to arrive to put the drug dealers door back on and then left. As for the lassie they left her with a door that wouldn't lock and told her that she would have to get onto the council to have them come out and fix it. She had to take the next day off work as she couldn't leave the house until the door was fixed. Absolute bloody disgrace but I gather it's not uncommon for them to do this. I have to say that the Police in North Ayrshire were probably on a par with the Criminals in levels of lawlessness and depravity and folks only ever called them if they were absolutely desperate. They are a reasonably small force but they have had officers done for rape, sexual assault, spousal abuse, corruption, falsifying evidence and even robbing charity shops and that's just the ones who have been caught. I know personally that they were up to a lot more but it's more hassle than it's worth to try and get 'justice' against them.

 

[Don the Don]

BREAKING NEWS Police in Liverpool last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober. He had a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £2,000 for wasting police time.

 

[Don the Don]

Christmas was 'ard in our house.
I asked for an Action Man once - sure enough there was the right shaped box in the stocking on Christmas Day

Eagerly opened - it was empty.

Dad says:

' There y'go lad- it's the top of the range Deserter model '

 

[Don the Don]

Two dwarves get pissed in a pub. One says he’s feeling a bit horny so why don’t they go and visit a brothel for the night? They arrive at the brothel, choose a girl each and go up to their rooms.

The first dwarf can’t get a stiffy no matter how hard he tries. To make things worse all he can hear is his mate in the next room shouting “One, two, three, huh!” all night long.

The next morning they meet up. Dwarf Two asks how Dwarf One got on? Number one confesses he couldn’t get it up and is deeply embarrassed. Number two says “you think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get up onto the bed”.

 

[Don the Don]

A puppy is not just for Christmas.
If you buy a decent size one there should be cold cuts on Boxing Day and sarnies for the rest of the week.

 

[Don the Don]

Saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre earlier.
At least, I think it was him.
He had his back to the fuchsia

 

[Don the Don]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:
The daughter said to her mother. "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied. "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said. "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied. "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said. "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother. "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said. "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies. They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

[Don the Don]

I go round to people's houses to ask them whether they would like to try a different type of bread.
I'm a Hovis witness

 

[Don the Don]

My new favourite word
EXHAUSTIPATED - Noun, for when one is too tired to give a shit

 

[Don the Don]

A friend said he is getting it up tonight. He suffers from premature tree decoration.

Just imagine how droopy it will be and the mess on the floor come Christmas Day if he puts up a real tree

 

[Don the Don]

Prince Charles was driving his Aston into Sandringham Estate to visit his Mum, as he passed through the gates and onto the long gravel drive he accidentally ran over one of his Mums corgis.
He leapt out of the car and to his horror the poor dog was splattered all over the front wheel of his car and crushed into the gravel drive. As he stood, staring horrified at what he had done, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"I'm a powerful genie and I'll grant you just one wish, what shall it be?".
Charles replied;
"Can you put this poor dog back together, it's one of Mummy's favourite dogs?".
The Genie surveyed the splatted dog and shaking his head he turned to Charles and said;
"I'm sorry, even my powers can not help that dog, have another wish?"
Charles thought for a moment and said;
"Could you make Camilla good looking?"
The Genie instantly replied;
"Give us another look at that dog".

 

[Don the Don]

A man walks into his Doctors surgery with a car steering wheel stuck to the front of his trousers.
His Doctor looks at him in shock and says;
"My god does that hurt?"
The man replies;
"Not really, but its driving me nuts."

 

[Don the Don]

The police rang me today to say they've recovered my stolen sofa.
Which I thought was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit scruffy.

 

[Don the Don]

As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said "Have a good day, son" "Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically.
As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

 

[Don the Don]

TAMPAX have announced they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel...
This is for the Christmas period ONLY!'

 

[Don the Don]

A bloke took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks" the bloke replied

 

[Don the Don]

POLICE WARNING

Be extra careful on the roads with the Christmas Season almost upon us.
A lot of men will be drinking to excess and getting their wives to drive.

 

[Don the Don]

Spoke to my Son last night about him treating the house like a hotel.
I thought it went ok, but now there's a shit review on trip advisor

 

[Don the Don]

I was gutted when my girlfriend dumped me for being obsessed with football. After all. we'd been together for 9 seasons.

 

[Don the Don]

A bloke was rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron up his backside,
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "