Don the Don
Legendary Knight
William Tell : Do you know where I can shoot at this apple
Son : Not off the top of my head
Son : Not off the top of my head
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Asked for a penis extension on the N.H.S.
Apparently I'm already on the short list.
Apparently I'm already on the short list.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The owner of a small shop on the high street comes to work one day and notices the main display window has a crack in the corner. He phones the local glazier and they send round old Jim. Jim has been in the business since he was a boy, comes to work in dungarees and a flat cap, carries the tools of his trade in a canvas bag, real old fashioned craftsman type.
Anyway, Jim looks at the window and asks the shop owner if he wants the window replaced or just something done to stop it getting worse. The shop owner asks the costs of both options and decides to just have something done that will stop it getting worse rather than the cost of a whole new window.
So Jim goes into his canvas bag of tools and comes out with a little marker pencil. He carefully looks at the crack, and marks a point about an inch from the end. He then goes into his bag and pulls out a hand drill and a small diamond tipped bit, and proceeeds to drill a small hole where he had marked.
During all this, the young blonde female shop assistant had been watching intently. When Jim was finished she asked him what the hole was for. Jim explained that the crack would keep growing in the same direction until it reached the hole and then stop.
The shop assistants face suddenly lights up, "I knew there was a reason for my belly button...."
Anyway, Jim looks at the window and asks the shop owner if he wants the window replaced or just something done to stop it getting worse. The shop owner asks the costs of both options and decides to just have something done that will stop it getting worse rather than the cost of a whole new window.
So Jim goes into his canvas bag of tools and comes out with a little marker pencil. He carefully looks at the crack, and marks a point about an inch from the end. He then goes into his bag and pulls out a hand drill and a small diamond tipped bit, and proceeeds to drill a small hole where he had marked.
During all this, the young blonde female shop assistant had been watching intently. When Jim was finished she asked him what the hole was for. Jim explained that the crack would keep growing in the same direction until it reached the hole and then stop.
The shop assistants face suddenly lights up, "I knew there was a reason for my belly button...."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was sitting with my mate having a few beers when he leaned in put his hand on my leg and said, "Fancy staying here tonight?" with a wink.
"What about work tomorrow?" I asked.
He said, "What about work?"
I said, "You're going to struggle with two black eyes and a broken arm."
"What about work tomorrow?" I asked.
He said, "What about work?"
I said, "You're going to struggle with two black eyes and a broken arm."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The wife had a right go at me yesterday for not sorting the laundry before setting the washer away
It got that bad she ended up throwing a bottle of fabric conditioner at me, just missing my head
It must have been Lenor though coz it was a bit too close for Comfort
It got that bad she ended up throwing a bottle of fabric conditioner at me, just missing my head
It must have been Lenor though coz it was a bit too close for Comfort
Foxy
Legendary Knight
Jeemag is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Jeemag says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Restaurant on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Restaurant about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Restaurant?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Jeemag says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, Jeemag is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
Jeemag basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" Jeemag says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Jeemag says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Restaurant on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Restaurant about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Restaurant?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Jeemag says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, Jeemag is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
Jeemag basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" Jeemag says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Couple run over a badger on the way home. They get out to find the badger barely alive and freezing cold, the husband says, put it between your legs to warm it up? Wife says but it's wet and stinks!! Hold the badgers fuggin nose then.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
This year I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls him up and says, “I just talked to the judge and he refused to accept your grounds for divorce against Minnie Mouse. He said just because you say she's crazy is not sufficient grounds for divorce.”
Mickey replied, “I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's fuckin' Goofy!”
Mickey replied, “I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's fuckin' Goofy!”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
If you had told people 50 years ago, that people of the future would have 3D televisions, they would have said, " Wow, that's cheap.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
chas
Legendary Knight
Well, I got the joke @Don the Don and I'm the same age as @Foxy I think (58) so he's either *fik* or needs booking to Switzerland sharpish"Confused @Foxy"
The British threepence ( 3d) coin, usually simply known as a threepence, thruppence, or thruppenny bit, was a unit of currency equaling one eightieth of a pound sterling, or three old pence sterling. It was used in the United Kingdom,
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I got up this morning, got dressed and fed the dogs. After that I took them for a walk and while I was out I met my neighbour. He was somewhat embarressed to admit that he had heard all the grunting coming from our bedroom earlier but said it was great that a couple of our age were still having early morning sex.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that was just me putting my socks on.....
I didn't have the heart to tell him that was just me putting my socks on.....
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was digging in the garden and a found a small chest full of gold coins. I was about to go and tell my wife until I remembered why I was digging in the garden in the first place
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary Priti Patel said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Patel said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary Priti Patel said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Patel said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."