Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I started my fitness regime this morning. Got up and ran around the block ten times. Then I kicked the block back under the bed and cooked myself a nice fry-up.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:...."No Ethel; I think he means her legs..."
She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:...."No Ethel; I think he means her legs..."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat that is just about to vomit
NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster !!
NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster !!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Tesco's cheddar.
obviously hadn't tasted Tesco's cheddar.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The average age of a paedophile's victim is said to be eleven years old. The average age of a paedophile is said to be thirty six years old.
Which coincidentally are the average ages of a newly wed Muslim couple.
Which coincidentally are the average ages of a newly wed Muslim couple.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
At the close of the trial of Frankie Boyle, who had been accused of being a 'racist comedian', the jurors took just 3 hours to decide he was 'not guilty' on both counts.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
No Oxo cubes in Aldi earlier.
They were out of stock
They were out of stock
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
BBC News:
Costa Coffee bought for £3.9 billion
It must have been one of those extra large lattes with the caramel topping.
I hope he'd got his loyalty card
Costa Coffee bought for £3.9 billion
It must have been one of those extra large lattes with the caramel topping.
I hope he'd got his loyalty card
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was at an Indian restaurant last night and a little old lady came to my table. She told me how well dressed I was, how polite I was being, and what a lovely customer I was....
...It was a complimentary nan.
...It was a complimentary nan.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
James Blunt says criticism of his old army friend Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is bullying.
Please, please back off, before Blunty writes a song about it.
Please, please back off, before Blunty writes a song about it.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever had done.
I can hear my wife perfectly now.
I can hear my wife perfectly now.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I keep dreaming that I'm falling through trapdoors....
but my doctor says it's just a stage I'm going through.
but my doctor says it's just a stage I'm going through.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My mate spent all his money on a sex change.
Now he hasn't got a sausage
Now he hasn't got a sausage
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My wife said sex with me is boring because I get easily distracted.........
Oh well, best get back on with it..
Oh well, best get back on with it..
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
An upper class Englishman (let’s call him Nick Welch) finds himself in prison. On his first night, he’s sitting on the edge of his bed when his cellmate comes in. A big, muscle bound bloke.
The cellmate looks at our Nick and says, “listen mate, it’s going to happen. So don’t resist. Do you want it with spit or without”.
Nick, thinking back to his days at boarding school, says “OK, I’ll do it with spit”.
So his cellmate goes to the door and leans into the corridor and yells
“Spit, get your arrse here. He wants you too”.
The cellmate looks at our Nick and says, “listen mate, it’s going to happen. So don’t resist. Do you want it with spit or without”.
Nick, thinking back to his days at boarding school, says “OK, I’ll do it with spit”.
So his cellmate goes to the door and leans into the corridor and yells
“Spit, get your arrse here. He wants you too”.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A man has been caught in flagrante with the stock of the local fishmonger.
In cod he thrust.
In cod he thrust.
Scrappy
Legendary Knight
Weird how I can sleep though almost anything, but if the dog gets off the bed in the night then I'm awake instantly
Why does this sales guy sound more than bit "gay"? 
It gives completely the wrong impression to potential buyers of such a great car!
Somehow those performance figures don't impress me when Germaine is telling me about them. And why did he seem to hang on his comment of "rear wheels only"?
@BAD LUCK DUCK
I feel the need to call upon your expert experience/advice.
As long as that advice doesn't include f#ckin up the bonnet of our Merc with a large chrome duck
PS...
Doesn't @Bad Billy currently live in Southampton? If Germaine is one of his mates? Maybe he could pass on my observations? In an informative, yet non critical way
It gives completely the wrong impression to potential buyers of such a great car!
Somehow those performance figures don't impress me when Germaine is telling me about them. And why did he seem to hang on his comment of "rear wheels only"?
@BAD LUCK DUCK
I feel the need to call upon your expert experience/advice.
As long as that advice doesn't include f#ckin up the bonnet of our Merc with a large chrome duck
PS...
Doesn't @Bad Billy currently live in Southampton? If Germaine is one of his mates? Maybe he could pass on my observations? In an informative, yet non critical way
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My wife just rang to say Gavin from autoglass has just been & injected his resin into her crack, i'm not normally suspicious, but i've got the fuckin' motor!!!!!