Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I'm not saying that the hotel I stayed in last week was sleazy, but the pages of the Gideon Bible were stuck together.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
To save money on funeral costs, we bought grandma a pet vulture.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend
"That's us in 10 years"
He said
"That's a mirror, dipshit!"
"That's us in 10 years"
He said
"That's a mirror, dipshit!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
How do you make a Whoopee cushion even funnier?
Fill it with gravy
Fill it with gravy
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition, hence the phrase ‘deluded twat’.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition, hence the phrase ‘deluded twat’.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've been using an old black n white tv for a good few months now ' I say black n white ' its mainly black.
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
Have you tried switching it on?
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
That would cost money, .....christ i'm becoming a jock
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I released my own fragrance today
No one in the office seems to like it.
No one in the office seems to like it.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Man in bar orders a gin and tonic....
Lady next to him, “What a coincidence, I’ve just ordered that”
Man, “I'm Celebrating.”
Lady, “Me too”
Man, “What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?”
Lady, “My husband and I have tried for four years for a baby and today I’ve found out I’m pregnant.”
Man, “What a coincidence! I am a farmer and for four years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs, today all are laying eggs.”
Lady, “Wow! How did that happen?
Man, “I used a different cock”
Lady smiled, “What a coincidence.”
Lady next to him, “What a coincidence, I’ve just ordered that”
Man, “I'm Celebrating.”
Lady, “Me too”
Man, “What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?”
Lady, “My husband and I have tried for four years for a baby and today I’ve found out I’m pregnant.”
Man, “What a coincidence! I am a farmer and for four years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs, today all are laying eggs.”
Lady, “Wow! How did that happen?
Man, “I used a different cock”
Lady smiled, “What a coincidence.”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Why do laxatives have a best before date?. If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
What was Prince Andrew's least-favourite chart compilation album?
Now 16.
Now 16.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'
Apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...
I'm wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...
Apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...
I'm wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A husband and wife had been married 42 years. In all that time, the husband had forbidden his wife to look in the safe.
One day, he returned home from work and his wife said, “I’ve looked in the safe”
He’s not best pleased and says,?Well, what did you find?”
She replies, “WelI, I found £12,000 and 3 eggs”
“OK, I’d better come clean then“, he says. “Every time I slept with another woman, I put an egg in the safe”.
“So, 3 women in 42 years?”, the wife ponders. “I guess that’s not too bad, I forgive you”.
She then asks, “Where did all the money come from?”
”Oh”, he replies! “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them”.
One day, he returned home from work and his wife said, “I’ve looked in the safe”
He’s not best pleased and says,?Well, what did you find?”
She replies, “WelI, I found £12,000 and 3 eggs”
“OK, I’d better come clean then“, he says. “Every time I slept with another woman, I put an egg in the safe”.
“So, 3 women in 42 years?”, the wife ponders. “I guess that’s not too bad, I forgive you”.
She then asks, “Where did all the money come from?”
”Oh”, he replies! “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them”.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
"Do you like Tolstoy?", I asked Diane Abbott.
"Of course”, she replied, “Who doesn't?"
"What's your favourite book?", I asked.
"The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz tries to save him", she answered.
"Of course”, she replied, “Who doesn't?"
"What's your favourite book?", I asked.
"The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz tries to save him", she answered.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A man walks into a bar
"Ouch" !
It was a gay bar.
"Ouch" !
It was a gay bar.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My grandfather had two careers at once.
He was a veterinarian and a taxidermist and
he always assured his customers that, no matter what....
.....their pets would definitely be going back home
He was a veterinarian and a taxidermist and
he always assured his customers that, no matter what....
.....their pets would definitely be going back home
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Dogs have Masters; Cats have Staff.
Lovely Jubbly 
BBC News - Royal souvenirs have 'Platinum Jubbly' misprint
BBC News - Royal souvenirs have 'Platinum Jubbly' misprint
Royal souvenirs have 'Platinum Jubbly' misprint
Souvenirs produced for the Queen's Platinum Jubilee arrived with a Del Boy-style mistake.
www.bbc.co.uk
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
Bonnet de douche! 