Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Hard times make strong men
Easy times produce vegans
Easy times produce vegans
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Quasimodo went into a gent's outfitters and asked the manager, "Have you got a suit that will fit me?"
The manager replied, "If I do then someone's getting fired!"
The manager replied, "If I do then someone's getting fired!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I'm not saying staff at my local Asda are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
In the ad break of a TV show last night a white, heterosexual couple were trying to sell me something.
Then I remembered I was watching an 80's show on VHS.
Then I remembered I was watching an 80's show on VHS.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b***** outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"Brazil, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Brazil?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and soccer players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from Brazil!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b***** outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"Brazil, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Brazil?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and soccer players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from Brazil!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
And Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Sylvia: So, what happened?
Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.
Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Sylvia: So, what happened?
Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.
Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
90% of the worlds photograph paper comes from Zambia.
Its a developing country.
Its a developing country.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
At one point during a school football match, the sports master called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," he continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, swear at and attack the referee, or call him rude names. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your sports master a stupid a*sehole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the sports master. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," he continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, swear at and attack the referee, or call him rude names. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your sports master a stupid a*sehole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the sports master. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I had a dream last night.
This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!"
I woke up with a start.
This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!"
I woke up with a start.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Does anyone know where I can get a decaffeinated coffee table?
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
I am feeling mildly humorous.....
Pirate went to the doctors about the moles on his back.
Doctor, "they're benign."
Pirate, "No, I think there be ten."
Pirate went to the doctors about the moles on his back.
Doctor, "they're benign."
Pirate, "No, I think there be ten."
Scrappy
Legendary Knight
MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
Man went to the doctor about a mole on his cock.
The doctor said "I'll remove it this time but next time I'm calling the RSPCA"
The doctor said "I'll remove it this time but next time I'm calling the RSPCA"
MICK 56
Legendary Knight
Bit early to be skinning up mate.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Before phoning the police to tell them you have a kangaroo in your garden, double check to make sure it's not next door's greyhound taking a dump .
MICK 56
Legendary Knight
That image rings a bell with me. A mate and me were sat in the garden of this really nice country pub. There was a family at the next table, having a meal. When my mates black lab/Lurcher, squatted down, right next to them, and curled out an enormous steaming turd. We were still pissing ourselves like a couple of schoolboys. Long after the family got up and left.
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
Maybe it's me but that's not remotely funny.That image rings a bell with me. A mate and me were sat in the garden of this really nice country pub. There was a family at the next table, having a meal. When my mates black lab/Lurcher, squatted down, right next to them, and curled out an enormous steaming turd. We were still pissing ourselves like a couple of schoolboys. Long after the family got up and left.