Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
All my adult life I've been obsessed with Herons but never seen one. I've walked the woods and rivers for miles, spent weeks in hides, still not seen a Heron. I even set up a Heron Sanctuary, perfect conditions for them, cost a fortune - not one Heron. Finally last Friday I decided I would abandon my fruitless pursuit of Herons and move on.

Still, when I look back on the Heron period of my life....I've no Egrets.
 
half ton

half ton

Legendary Knight
Don the Don said:
All my adult life I've been obsessed with Herons but never seen one. I've walked the woods and rivers for miles, spent weeks in hides, still not seen a Heron. I even set up a Heron Sanctuary, perfect conditions for them, cost a fortune - not one Heron. Finally last Friday I decided I would abandon my fruitless pursuit of Herons and move on.

Still, when I look back on the Heron period of my life....I've no Egrets.
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FFS Don :rolleyes:😁
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Vladimir Putin goes to see a fortune teller, curious about his future, "I see you in the back of a big black car, being driven down the streets of Moscow. People are lining the streets, happily cheering and smiling." "Am I waving?" asks Putin. "No," the fortune teller replies, "you're in the coffin."
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
People often complain about the police. You rarely hear about the positive things they do. Here is one such incident.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day in one of the remotest roads in Caithness one of Highland constabularies finest on patrol , came upon a motorcyclist who was standing by the roadside.
The biker was swathed in heavy clothing and wearing a full-face helmet for protection from the cold weather.

"What's the matter? asked the Policeman .

"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. It will thaw it oot."

"I canna ," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."

The policeman unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Wick police station received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began:

"On behalf of my daughter, Susan ..."
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
Dolly Parton and the Queen end up at the Pearly Gates on the same day. They are both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen merely walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, Your Majesty, you may enter Heaven' Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about..?
I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she was admitted to Heaven..!
Would you explain that to me..?'
"Sorry, Dolly", said the Angel, 'but even here in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Diane Abbott goes to the doctors and says: "Dr, I need your help. I'm 68 years old and I can't count".
Dr says; "What I'm going to need you to do is strip naked and squat in the corner over there".
She does so and he then instructs her to move to another corner and do the same, then to by the wall next to his university degree and then to by the window.
She says, "Dr, how is this going to help me with my counting"?
He says, "It won't, there's sod all I can do. But I've just ordered a new black leather armchair and I'm wondering where it will look best".
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Little Johnny's hand goes up like a shot.
Reluctantly she asks " how many Johnny?"
Johnny: "seven"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a fuking cat!"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A farmer had a wife who nagged him endlessly. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any peace was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

One day, out in the fields, his wife brought him lunch as usual & began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.

Suddenly, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, catching her on the back of the head, killing her stone dead.

At the funeral several days later, the Vicar noticed something odd.

When a female mourner approached the farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

After the funeral, the Vicar asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.

The farmer said, 'Well, the women came up and said something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'.
 
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