Joke of the day.

Sarky B’stard

Sarky B’stard

Legendary Knight
I'm not. I am married to a PITA nurse. The Feminax incident predated the Army. A secretary volunteered her tablets for the boss's headache and he baulked at the packaging.
It was an expensive version of paracetamol and aspirin. It's now expensive ibuprofen! That's 'Ultra' for you 🙄
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Thanks everyone for your concern.

First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at The petrol station, yesterday afternoon. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however.

The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1’’…….
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you, my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and~the last rites".
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Two Irish blokes out hunting on the moors when Paddy says "I'm bursting for a shite but haven't got anything to wipe my arse on !"
Murphy says "Have you got a fiver ?"
"Yes" says Paddy.
"Well use that."
So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes & comes back with shit all over his hands & clothes.
Murphy says "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU ?"
Paddy looks at him & says "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 pound coins, five 20ps & two 50 pence pieces?"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
 
MICK60

MICK60

Legendary Knight
Don the Don said:
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Click to expand...
Classic Aussie humour.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
I had the central heating engineer round this morning and while he was working away he said, “I see you’re a darts man, like myself.”
I asked how he worked that out and he replied, “That photo on the fireplace of you and Jocky Wilson.”
I replied, “That’s my wife mate.”
 
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