Don the Don
Legendary Knight
More pain and suffering is to be inflicted on the people of The Ukraine as it was announced today that a release of a charity single by Bono is imminent.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "It's natural."
"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
She said, "It's natural."
"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
Pah! Never mind the spin. We're orbiting the Sun at something like 17,000 mph.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Breaking News:
Due to continued protests about royal tours overseas to commemorate the Platinum Jubilee, the British government has revised its stance on compensation for the descendants of slaves. A spokesman said "We are committed to ensuring that no-one is left worse off as a result of historic slavery and intend to leave every black person in the same position they would have been in if their ancestors had not been enslaved. To this end we will be relocating all compensation claimants from these idyllic Caribbean paradises and giving them a mud hut in Somalia with a grass skirt, a spear and £3.87 for lost earnings."
Due to continued protests about royal tours overseas to commemorate the Platinum Jubilee, the British government has revised its stance on compensation for the descendants of slaves. A spokesman said "We are committed to ensuring that no-one is left worse off as a result of historic slavery and intend to leave every black person in the same position they would have been in if their ancestors had not been enslaved. To this end we will be relocating all compensation claimants from these idyllic Caribbean paradises and giving them a mud hut in Somalia with a grass skirt, a spear and £3.87 for lost earnings."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Nicola Sturgeon has received a warning from police, after being pictured without a face mask in public last weekend.
I know she's no oil painting, but surely that's a bit harsh
I know she's no oil painting, but surely that's a bit harsh
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I went to the Jobcentre yesterday to see if they had anything for me.
The advisor said, "There's a position in Data Entry available."
I replied, "Sorry, but I can't use a computer."
She said, "You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Do you have learning difficulties?"
I replied, "No, it's one of my bail conditions."
The advisor said, "There's a position in Data Entry available."
I replied, "Sorry, but I can't use a computer."
She said, "You can't use a computer? In this day and age? Do you have learning difficulties?"
I replied, "No, it's one of my bail conditions."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The 'Make Racism History' movement has done a fantastic job.
History is now incredibly racist.
History is now incredibly racist.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Single yet again. My now ex burd said to me in a sexy tone "why dont you switch the light off , lay beside me and shove it up my bum…..
On thinking about things i now should have let the bulb cool down first…
On thinking about things i now should have let the bulb cool down first…
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Inspired by the American president. The French prime-minister ordered his secret service to carry around a locked briefcase that can only be unlocked by the prime-minister in case of an emergency.
Inside it are said to be the controls to the national white-flag system.
Inside it are said to be the controls to the national white-flag system.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Capt. Drunkey
King Of The Schnitzelwiesels
@Don the Don : this is a novum; I am listening to Mahler’s Fifth’s Adagio (since I am in a pretty desolate state of mind)
and you made me laugh out loud with at least 3 jokes… Thanks for that, mate!
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
Just know we are a rich resource for humour, moral support, bad taste and insensitive piss taking. Don't you bloody dare keep your misery to yourself. We demand a share! Selfish b*****d!
MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
Oh I do love a spot of misery, curmudgeonlyness and grumpy ness. Share it out @Capt. Drunkey I would also recommend a spot of New Orleans, Dixieland Jazz rather than Mahler. That stuff is so very upbeat that you just can't be miserable when it's rockin'. You just rock back and lose your tiny mind in that crazy rhythm.
Capt. Drunkey
King Of The Schnitzelwiesels
Talking of Dixie I might want to start with Randy Newman’s “Land of dreams”…
I love the song “New Orleans wins the war”
MICK60
Legendary Knight
Or worn gloves
MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
Hmmmmm....... Afraid I can't get on board with Randy Newman as his voice and his style don't appeal but some good early Dixieland, a spot of Jelly Roll Morton, King Oliver or Bix should roll real well not to mention early Armstrong, Bobby Hackett and a whole host of others.
chas
Legendary Knight
You have to lift out of Mahler slowly
Like a deep sea diver you'll get the bends if you lift the mood too quick
Sarky B’stard
Legendary Knight
I used to drown my misery in things like Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A chap goes into the local Post Office sorting depot to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that."
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that."