Joke of the day.

DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
A Jewish guy is at the synagogue & moaning to God about still not winning the lottery after many years.

..."Hey God, I'm a good Jewish boy. I come here at least once per day, I don't eat pork & I care for my family. Yet after all these years you still haven't seen fit to let me win the lottery!"...

Suddenly there was a booming voice that filled the synagogue..

..."Indeed you are a good Jewish boy & a worthy winner of the lottery. But meet me halfway Chas, buy a ticket!"...

PS...
The guy in question was nearly called @Foxy but it didn't work as well as @chas 😉
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A toilet cleaner wins the lottery and is being interviewed by the press.
“Will it change your life?” he was asked.
“Too right it will! Fifty million quid would change anyone’s life, I’m retiring immediately and spend spend spend.”

“Does your wife work?” he was asked.
“Yes, she cleans the ladies next door”
“Will it change her life?”
Looking amazed the guy says ”Why has she won it as well?”
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
So there's these three brothers, a pongo, a matelot and a crabfat. As often would be the case in these tall tales, they found themselves engaged at the same time and decided to throw a joint wedding.

The day goes well with plenty of wine and song and only minimal fighting among the guests.
Having had their fill, each newly wed couple retire to their respective hotel rooms to share their first night as a married couple.

The next day each husband is sleeping off the hangover of all hangovers while their wives are in the dining room discussing the night before.

The pongo's wife; "Last night was incredible. He went for a shower while i slipped into my sexiest battle webbing. When he finished his shower, he entered the bedroom, threw off his towel, cried "Fix bayonets....CHARGE!", and leapt at me. We made love for hours, it was perfect".

The crab's wife piped up; "I was in bed too, when he finished his shower. He entered the room wearing a flying hat and goggles, climbed onto the wardrobe, yelled "Chocks away!" and jumped off. He landed right on top of me and we made love all night long. It was magical".

They both turned to matelot's wife, who suddenly started crying. They began to comfort her and ask what was wrong.

"When i got out the shower last night, he was already in bed asleep with his back to me. I turned off the light and slipped in next to him and began to snuggle in and try and get him in the mood. Next thing, he pulled up the covers and said "Not tonight Smudge, i've got the middle watch"
 
MartytheMartian

MartytheMartian

Legendary Knight
I was cracked up tonight watching an episode of Hale and Pace I had recorded a while back ......

To set the scene it's their characters 'the cabbies' and one has come to the others house only to find him dressed as a woman, after a few other bits of back and forward dialogue he asks him

'Does your Wife know?

'Yes'

'How did she find out?'

'by accident'

'What happened?'

'She found the skidmarks in her knickers!'
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.” the postman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies,

“Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.” funny-

The postman thinks a moment and says,

“How do you play that?”

“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The postman laughs and says,

“Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I went into one that had two bogs.
One of the bog doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trollies and sat
down.
Suddenly and without warning, a voice came from the toilet next to me:
"Hello mate, how are you doing?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied
"Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again,
"So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly,
"Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There's some **** in the crapper next to me answering everything I say.'
 
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