Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

Oh its been one of those days.
I was sat in a toilet cubicle, been there an hour trying to do a shit, but I was so constipated.
Just then the door of the adjoining cubicle opens as someone walks in. Shortly afterwards I hear the sound of an almighty wet fart and the smell of fresh shit fills the air .
"I wish that was me," I said out loud.
"So do I," cried a voice, "I haven`t pulled my ruddy trousers down yet."

 

[Don the Don]

Saw a book called Horseshit In the Street

By GG Dunnit.

 

[Don the Don]

Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever done.

I can hear my wife perfectly now.

 

[Don the Don]

If barristers go on strike this week what the f*ck am I supposed to hold on to when I go upstairs?

 

[Big Sandy]

I apologise now.....

Three squaws are having trouble conceiving, so they go to see the medicine man. You must make love on the skin of a powerful animal tonight and you will get pregnant ,so they all went back to there teepees . The first two used buffalo hide to lay on the floor , the third one fund a hippopotamus skin ,lay it on the ground and that night three lucky braves had there end away . All three squaws were soon found to be up the duff. Nine months later, the first two squaws produce a single healthy male baby but the third one gave birth to two fine identical boys . Which just goes to show " the sons of the squaws on the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws on the two hides !"

 

[Don the Don]

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... I'm on bail till my court appearance..

 

[Don the Don]

FELLAS: If you're keen on a girl and you think she might be the one, get her to bite on a lemon so you'll know how she'll look at you after ten years of marriage.

 

[Judd Dredd]

What does a Welshman call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?


A playboy

 

[Don the Don]

I had Beaver Massala last night,

It's like korma, but a little 'otter.

 

[Don the Don]

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl last week and now she is making all my decisions for me.

She has been given the power of a tawny.

 

[Don the Don]

Read in the paper the other day a well known actress had given birth to her love child.

Weren't called that in my day

 

[Don the Don]

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a beach in Brighton one night and was stopped by a council official. The Officer asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied , "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the officer replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of Eastern European Bullshit” said the officer. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" he replied.
The 2 men stood and waited. After several minutes, the officer turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the officer huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"

 

[Don the Don]

If your horrible children won't behave tell them you will conjure up the spirit of Jimmy Saville. If they don't believe you simply wait until they are in bed, blow cigar smoke under their doors and moan loudly "Now then...now then.

 

[Don the Don]

Sometimes I call the number on missing dog posters and just bark!

 

[Don the Don]

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.
And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

 

[Don the Don]

Top tip:-
'...NEVER buy a memory foam mattress if you cheat on your wife.'

 

[Don the Don]

It's that hot today I saw a scouser take his hands out of someone else's pockets.

 

[Don the Don]

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!! Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below if needed:


walkers, mobility scooters, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walking sticks, disposable pants, tena lady ?

 

[Don the Don]

When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

 

[Don the Don]

I was telling my co workers a joke at coffee break

"What do you do if your mate has an epileptic fit in the bath?"

“Throw your laundry in.”

One of the co workers said “that's not funny, my brother died having a fit in the bath.”

"Oh, so sorry. Did he drown?"

“No, he choked on a sock....”