Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
What a morning ! couldn’t get the car started, so I lifted the bonnet for a nose about not that I know what I’m looking for and then I saw that a little Bat had got inside and got himself all tangled up in some wires Fortunately I managed to untangle it.
As I was doing so the little Bat looked at me squeaked ! Then and I heard him say ..” Good morning Mr Lampard what a very kind ,handsome and smart gentleman you are. Thank you so much for helping me “..Then I knew straight away it was
…Bat Flattery…..
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
...Teacher says, "OK class, tell me what you need at home."
Suzy says, " We need a computer."
Wendy says, "We could do with a car."
Johnny says, "We don't need anything, Miss."
Teacher says, " Come on Johnny, everyone needs something."
"No Miss, My sister came home with her new vegan boyfriend and my Dad said, "That's ALL we fuggin need."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Free Sex With Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Scotland was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a Englishman pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The Englishman guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same Englishman, along with a friend, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The Englishman guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the Englishman said to his friend, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
His friend replied, "It isn't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Jacob, a Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel . At Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage and asked, "What is this?"
"Wrong question, comrade” replied Jacob. “You should have asked, Who is this? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created future prosperity for the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our great hero."
The Russian customs official sent him on his way.

At Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official asked Jacob, "What is this?" "Wrong question, sir. You should be asking who is this? This, my friend, is Lenin, the Shyster who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia in shame. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."

The Israeli official sent him on his way.

In his new home in Tel Aviv, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "What is this?"

"This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax"

The Moral: "Politics is when you can tell the same Shit in different ways to fool different people and still come out smelling like a rose
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
Smudge goes out drinking with his mates one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back, but he got so drunk that he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, I know this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?”
A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar,” Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Derek.
“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”
This continues all day until finally Derek walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town.
He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.”
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a sh*t in your tuba!”
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
Scotland play Ukraine next week in a World Cup play off match. Virtually the whole of Europe will be without doubt supporting the country that has suffered so much torment and heartache at the hands of an immoral leader and will be hoping for a decent win that would bring the much needed lift to a desperate population. ....... On the other hand, I'm sure there will be a few who'd prefer a Ukraine win.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿😜
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."
 
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