Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whisky.
As I left the shop I thought, "If I fall off my bike on the way home, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it here."
It's lucky I did because I fell off seven times.

 

[Foxy]

The family is gathered around the dinner table.

First child says "mummy, how did I get my name?"
Mummy says "well, when we were leaving the hospital after you were born, a flower petal floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "petal"".
Next child asks "how did I get my name?"
Mummy says "when we were leaving hospital after you were born, a cherry blossom floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "Blossom""".
Third child says "ughughughugh"
Mummy says "yes, Brick?"

Just nearly fell outts mi chair laughin!!!!

 

[Don the Don]

In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Black, Asian, African, Muslims and Pakistanis appearing on TV, The BBC have announced that they will now show crime watch twice weekly.

 

[Don the Don]

Rumor has it that the floods in Pakistan were deliberate and caused by a Suicide Plumber

 

[Don the Don]

Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Of course," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 

[Don the Don]

My house got burgled today whist I was in work, but when I contacted the police they told me no detectives would be available for the foreseeable future.
They did however, send over five uniformed constables to dance the macarana for me, so that's OK.

 

[Don the Don]

They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.
Some cheeky sod came in speaking English.

 

[Don the Don]

Since the Queen died, there will be no more telegrams sent out when you turn 100, instead Prince Andrew will send you a text when someone reaches 14!

 

[Don the Don]

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping”

 

[Don the Don]

I was walking down the road and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano.

It was an orchestrated attack

 

[Don the Don]

i went to a postman's birthday party yesterday.
We played pass the "Sorry You Were Out" card.

 

[Big Sandy]

So I went all out and hired a Limousine for my wife’s birthday at great expense , they dropped it off and left it. I thought, “all that money and nothing to Chauffeur it.”

 

[Don the Don]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
He's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

 

[Don the Don]

My wife was a Monkeys fan. I remember telling her that Davy Jones had died. Didn’t think she’d be too upset and then I saw her face.

And thought “I’m a beriever”

 

[Don the Don]

Our Wifi wasnt working last night so me and the Wife chatted for a change.

I was surprised to hear that she no longer works at Woolworths.

 

[Don the Don]

Mary was confiding in her mate,
"Julie, you know what? I can't get any guy to sleep with me and it's all because my fanny smells of onions."
"Don't worry", her mate says, "I know a guy that has no sense of smell, he will sleep with you."
Half way through the couples lovemaking, he says to her, " Ere, your fanny reeks of onions."
"How would you know?" she says, "you have no sense of smell what so ever."
He says, "Yeah, I know, but I can't stop crying."

 

[Don the Don]

An undercover cop called at my farm in Caerphilly yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ******* badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your ******* badge!”

 

[Don the Don]

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

 

[Don the Don]

On the upstairs of a bus, a woman breest feeding her baby, said to her baby

“Now drink it, or I'm giving it to that nice man.”

That's me sitting opposite.

After 3 times she said it , I said

“MAKE YOUR MIND UP I SHOULD HAVE GOT OFF 3 STOPS AGO.”

 

[Don the Don]

Wife went to doctor, said
"is this viagra any good, what's it all about?"
Doc says there's 3 different strengths 25%, 50% and 100%.
She said "what's the difference?"
Doc says, "25% lifts it a bit, 50% lifts it half, 100% pointing to the ceiling."
She said "give me the 25%"
The doctor said "that won't do much good."
Wife says "I know but it will stop him pissing on his slippers."