Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

In the bar a fellow finishes his drink, looks inside his jacket pocket, then orders another.

The same sequence 3 times,

The barman said “I've been bringing you drinks all night long, but you gotta tell why you keep looking in the jacket pocket.”

The man said, “I keep looking at a photo of my wife, and when she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.”

 

[Don the Don]

"You can 't hurry love !"
Phil Collins grossly underestimating what can be achieved in the time it takes your girlfriend's mother to walk to the corner shop.

 

[Big Sandy]

Years ago my dad gave me money to go to the post office and pay the electric bill.

Well, I went, but got side tracked, and I spent the money on raffle tickets to win a new truck.

I told dad when I got home, and he beat the crap out of me.

Still, next morning there was a shiny new truck parked in the drive! We all cried! Me especially...it was the electric company coming to cut us off. Dad beat the crap out of me again....

 

[Don the Don]

Went to salsa classes last night.

Looked a right idiot when I turned up with a big bag of Doritos.

 

[Don the Don]

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet at the breakfast buffet.
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance..

 

[Don the Don]

My dyslexic mate always wanted to be a barrister, and now he's finally achieved his dream. He's got a job pouring coffee in Starbucks.

 

[Don the Don]

My mate was on the radio this morning talking about how drugs and alcohol have left him feeling depressed and suicidal.
I'm starting to think he's not cut out to be an air traffic controller!

 

[Big Sandy]

What do you call a mushroom in a bar?

A fungi to be with.

 

[Don the Don]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made me an appointment for next Tuesday!

 

[Don the Don]

"Come on.. Will you just try it for size?" I asked my wife, "I spent loads on it and I only bought it because I thought you'd look great in it."​

She didn't reply. She just stood there slowly shaking her head and staring at the coffin​

 

[Big Sandy]

Co-worker…”Why do you call everyone ‘Fucker’?”

Me….”It’s gender neutral.”

 

[Don the Don]

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the supermarket that opened at 8 for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

 

[Don the Don]

BREAKING NEWS -
Thousands of dyslexics worried about their cocks going black next Sunday.

 

[Don the Don]

Three elderly ladies swim in the indoor pool. After two hours, the first one gets out and the lifeguard praises her: "Great!" She says: "Yes, I'm 70 years old and I was Irish champion in long-distance swimming" -
After three hours the second comes out and proudly says to the lifeguard: "I'm 80 years old and was European champion in long-distance swimming!".
After 4 hours, the third one gets out and says: "I'm 90 years old..." - "Yes, I know" says the lifeguard "and you were world champion in long-distance swimming!". She replies: "No, I was a prostitute in Venice and made house calls."

 

[Foxy]

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of hmv. "Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd fucking love to have legs like her." She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset. I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

 

[Don the Don]

Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.
One day, the police raided a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among the prostitutes there.
The police took them all outside and had them lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." said grandma.
The policeman fainted.

 

[Don the Don]

The Amazon customer who received a packet of biscuits after ordering an IPad says he now wished he hadn’t pressed the “accept cookies” button.

 

[Don the Don]

A Native American chief in a polygamous tribe has three squaws. The first squaw is installed in a teepee where she sits on deer hide. The second squaw is installed in a teepee where she sits on bear hide. The third squaw is installed in a teepee where she sits on a hippopotamus hide an explorer picked up in Africa and gifted the chief.

The first squaw bears the chief a son. The second squaw also bears a son. The third squaw bears the chief twin sons.

This proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

 

[Don the Don]

 

[Scrappy]

A Native American chief in a polygamous tribe has three squaws. The first squaw is installed in a teepee where she sits on deer hide. The second squaw is installed in a teepee where she sits on bear hide. The third squaw is installed in a teepee where she sits on a hippopotamus hide an explorer picked up in Africa and gifted the chief.

The first squaw bears the chief a son. The second squaw also bears a son. The third squaw bears the chief twin sons.

This proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Thanks @Don the Don, that's made my morning!