Joke of the day.

[MartytheMartian]

Oh that one deserves a few extras @Don the Don I heard the first part years ago but the second part is new to me

 

[Foxy]

A matelot and his naval nurse wife went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them.
After hours of tests, he agreed he could help.
He told them to stop at the supermarket on the way home and buy ring donuts and grapes.
The wife was to toss the donuts at the matelot's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. The matelot was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in the wife's love canal.
A few weeks later, a pongo and his wrac wife came to see the doctor. "Our neighbour told us to come to you," they said.
The doctor ran the tests and came back to the pongo and his misses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do.
They said "You helped our neighbours, why won't you help us?"
After continued begging the doc said "Ok, ok...stop by the supermarket on the way home and buy a packet of polos and a bag of oranges."

 

[Don the Don]

Don't ask yourself why children need to see drag queens.
Ask yourself why drag queens need an audience of children

 

[Don the Don]

Why do girls get their fannies waxed, pluck their eyebrows, get tattoos and have their nipples, noses, lips and eyebrows pierced but then say "No" to well-lubed slow anal "because it hurts sex

 

[Don the Don]

BBC cancels weather forecast broadcasts for the next 48 hours!
As temperatures are below average for the time of year and significant rain fell in parts of the UK last night, normal service will be resumed when levels of hysteria and fear mongering can be raised once again.

 

[Don the Don]

A Norwich girl goes to the chemist and asks for a pack of condoms,
"You won't need them. " said the pharmacist, "your dad came in and got a packet earlier.

 

[DD67]

A Norwich girl goes to the chemist and asks for a pack of condoms,
"You won't need them. " said the pharmacist, "your dad came in and got a packet earlier.

@half ton
I'll hold your coat mate

 

[half ton]

@half ton
I'll hold your coat mate

Nah ..I'll keep the coat.....there's a pack of condoms in the pocket and you might nick em

 

[Big Sandy]

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

But only a light sentence.



(You mentioned coats? Get mine, shall I?)

 

[Don the Don]

You know, my Dad once worked with an old hunting guide, and one day they had a smart-ass guest. They were walking through the woods and they came across some small, brown spheres:

“What’s that?” asked the guest.

“Why them’s smart pills,” said the guide. “Ya just gobble a couple and ya gets smarter”.

So the dude scooped a few up and popped them in his mouth. Then he immediately spat them out and said “Jesus! These taste just like sh*t!”

“Ayup,” said the guide. “I do believe you’re getting smarter already.”

 

[Don the Don]

I only eat locally-sourced, kindly-reared meat.
The farmer assures me he always uses lube and foreplay.

 

[Don the Don]

What's the best thing about shagging an anorexic?
You don't have to take her out for dinner first.

 

[Don the Don]

I took my grandfather to one of those fish spas where tiny fish nibble off all the dead skin.
It was £100 but a lot cheaper than a funeral

 

[Don the Don]

Took the mother-in-law to Madam Tussauds.
We went into the basement to the "Chamber of Horrors".
A kind assistant came up to me and said, "Keep her moving about, Sir. We're stocktaking."

Les Dawson.

 

[chas]

You know, my Dad once worked with an old hunting guide, and one day they had a smart-ass guest. They were walking through the woods and they came across some small, brown spheres:

“What’s that?” asked the guest.

“Why them’s smart pills,” said the guide. “Ya just gobble a couple and ya gets smarter”.

So the dude scooped a few up and popped them in his mouth. Then he immediately spat them out and said “Jesus! These taste just like sh*t!”

“Ayup,” said the guide. “I do believe you’re getting smarter already.”

I'm bloody sure @Big Sandy was there

 

[Don the Don]

If I hadn't misunderstood what the interviewer wanted when she asked to see my testimonials, I might have got that job

 

[Don the Don]

Just had some annoying bloke on my doorstep banging on about the health benefits of eating brown bread...bluddy Hovis witnesses!

 

[Don the Don]

I've just joined the Jehovah's bystanders.
It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.

 

[Don the Don]

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's right there in front of you?
Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today...

 

[Don the Don]

The family is gathered around the dinner table.

First child says "mummy, how did I get my name?"
Mummy says "well, when we were leaving the hospital after you were born, a flower petal floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "petal"".
Next child asks "how did I get my name?"
Mummy says "when we were leaving hospital after you were born, a cherry blossom floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "Blossom""".
Third child says "ughughughugh"
Mummy says "yes, Brick?"