Joke of the day.

[DD67]

Maybe it's me but that's not remotely funny.

Yeah, it's just you
As long as Micks mate got the dog poo bags out, I see no problem with it Sarky.
You can't predict where a dog is gonna take a dump.

My dearly departed Dozer used to eat the pub dogs food. Then mount it if it complained. It was also male but there was never any penetration. I guess it was purely a dominance thing?
I always felt sorry for the Spaniel in question. But when Dozer wasn't eating his food or dry humping him. They were the best of mates

 

[Sarky B’stard]

Can you not spare a thought for the poor dog? It must have been crippled with embarrassment.

 

[MICK 56]

Maybe it's me but that's not remotely funny.

It was so funny, i had a job to write that, i was laughing so much. The look on the little girls face was priceless. And no, niether of us picked it up. The waiter beat us to it. It wasn't much of a contest though, i must admit.

 

[Don the Don]

Never kidnap anyone from Norfolk.
It costs a fortune sending their fingers in the post.

 

[Don the Don]

I’ve just had my Christmas dinner.
These slow cookers are useless!

 

[Don the Don]

My parrot broke its leg today, so I made it a splint using a matchstick.
You should have seen its little face light up when it tried to walk.

 

[Don the Don]

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning
He was wearing a cat flap.

 

[Don the Don]

My wife went missing for three days.so when I came home and found her in the kitchen
I asked where the hell she had been.

She said 4 burly muscular men had kidnapped me and forced themselves on her for five days.

I said but you were only gone for 3 days

yes she said I.ve just popped home for something to eat

 

[Don the Don]

The government are concerned people in the UK won't stay inside if there is another lockdown. To help encourage people there will be a very bright light in the sky telling them when to start sheltering.

 

[Don the Don]

Russian joke.
Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out. Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps:
‘Why you do that?’
‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’
‘The one I’m looking for will be

 

[Don the Don]

Lady in Peterhead’s husband dies and she goes to put a notice in the local paper. The guy asks what she would like to say?

“Pete Steed of Peterheed is deed”

“Is that it?”

“Yes, he was a man of few words”

“Well for the minimum fee of £10 you can have three more words”

“OK”

“Well?”

“Pete Steed of Peterheed is deed”

“And?”

“Volvo for sale”

 

[DD67]

Lady in Peterhead’s husband dies and she goes to put a notice in the local paper. The guy asks what she would like to say?

“Pete Steed of Peterheed is deed”

“Is that it?”

“Yes, he was a man of few words”

“Well for the minimum fee of £10 you can have three more words”

“OK”

“Well?”

“Pete Steed of Peterheed is deed”

“And?”

“Volvo for sale”

An oldie, but still a goodie Don

 

[MartytheMartian]

From Ken Dodd "Today is a good day for going into a German Newsagents and shouting Vhere are you Papers!"

 

[Don the Don]

Me and my kids watched on, as some of the monkeys were masturbating, others were groping each other, and there was lots of fighting and commotion. My daughter said "daddy, I thought you were taking us to the zoo"
I said "yea I know, but I needed a pint, and wetherspoons is the next best thing"

 

[Don the Don]

Give a Russian soldier some firewood and he will be warm for a day, fire an anti-tank missile at his tank and he will be warm for the rest of his life!

 

[Don the Don]

Paddy says to Mick
"Have you heard the news ?
3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths".

"Unbelievable" Says Mick,
"I can't believe they all had the same name"

 

[Don the Don]

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream...
I can't wait to rub it in.

 

[Don the Don]

I always thought that astrology was a load of old bollocks, but a new study has found that by comparing the horoscopes of gay men from the 1980s with their life expectancy outcomes, there is a very strong correlation.
Basically, if Mercury was in Uranus at any point in that decade, you're probably dead by now

 

[Don the Don]

I completed an on line positive thinking course today
It was crap!

 

[Don the Don]

Transit van with full tank of diesel...

Looking to swap for 4-5 bedroom house in London.