gazzatriumph
Legendary Knight
So true, many a true word spoken in jest.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
This morning I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said:
‘Do Not Bend'.
I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up.
‘Do Not Bend'.
I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Police have pulled the dead body of disgraced former Post Office boss, Paula Vennells, from a river. They counted 20 bullet holes, 15 stab wounds, six axe wounds, and was strapped to a ducking stool...
Police say it is the worst case of suicide they have ever seen!
Police say it is the worst case of suicide they have ever seen!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The new film about the Legend that is Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady has been classified as PG.
Apparently it is unsuitable for miners!
Apparently it is unsuitable for miners!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.
It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.
It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I hear that the DVLA have amended the format of the driving test. In addition to reversing round a corner and performing a 3 point turn, learner drivers will now have to be able to show that they are able to avoid a pothole successfully
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water.
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young."
They're talking about your knees & hips, not your kids.
They're talking about your knees & hips, not your kids.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A guy goes to the doctor with a very red penis.
He's naturally worried because he's never had anything like this before. The doctor after a short examination left the exam room, came back with a bottle and a cotton swab. He proceeded to apply the lotion to the affected area and it cleared up immediately.
The guy very much relieved and amazed asked, "what is that?"
The doctor said, "lipstick remover."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames at Westminster, (they were officer crocs, they were lost!) The smaller one turned to the big one and said "I can't understand how you're so much bigger than me, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it!"
"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, the same as you," said the small croc.
"Well where do you catch them?"
"Down by Parliament on the other side of the river."
"Same here, how do you catch them?"
"Well I crawl under their car and wait for them to unlock it, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, then eat them!"
"Aah," said the big crocodile, "There's your problem, you're not getting enough nourishment. See, once you shake the shit out of a Politician there's nothing left but an arrsehole and a briefcase!"
"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, the same as you," said the small croc.
"Well where do you catch them?"
"Down by Parliament on the other side of the river."
"Same here, how do you catch them?"
"Well I crawl under their car and wait for them to unlock it, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, then eat them!"
"Aah," said the big crocodile, "There's your problem, you're not getting enough nourishment. See, once you shake the shit out of a Politician there's nothing left but an arrsehole and a briefcase!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
As my cum dribbled down my girlfriends chin,
I looked her in the eyes and asked, Do you like that?
No, she replied, What the **** is in this sandwich?
I looked her in the eyes and asked, Do you like that?
No, she replied, What the **** is in this sandwich?
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was watching Australian Master Chef last night. Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered.
I thought… That's odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.
I thought… That's odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Just come back from Asda.
There was a group of teenagers outside like "excuse me Mr will you get us 20 Richmond, please, they wont serve us!"
So I agreed to do it anyway, thinking that's my good deed done for the day.
Anyway I've gone in and got them and when I handed them over they started effing and blinding at me!
If that’s what good deeds get you with the young folk of today, they can get their own feckin sausages next time!!
There was a group of teenagers outside like "excuse me Mr will you get us 20 Richmond, please, they wont serve us!"
So I agreed to do it anyway, thinking that's my good deed done for the day.
Anyway I've gone in and got them and when I handed them over they started effing and blinding at me!
If that’s what good deeds get you with the young folk of today, they can get their own feckin sausages next time!!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition.
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog shite, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
“1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't get better!"
Thank you for shopping at Tesco."
When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog shite, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:
“1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't get better!"
Thank you for shopping at Tesco."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Bloke up in court for speeding,before him though is a vicar accused of having sex with 10 choirboys,The judge gives him a telling off,and not to do it again.Then the bloke up for speeding gets a two year ban and a thousand pound fine."Hang on a minute",he says,"that dirty barsteward only gets a telling off,and i'm lumbered with a ban and a fine."Listen son" the judge says"i heard them singing,they needed fookin".
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
What's the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener!
Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
After two weeks out on the prairie a cowboy sipped his beer at the bar and asked two local lads if there was a brothel in this dusty town.
"Well no, but if you give us ten dollars each, you can have old Jake over there..."
"Thanks, but I'm not like that" said the cowboy.
"Neither is old Jake but if you give us ten dollars each, we'll hold him down for ya..."
Reply
"Well no, but if you give us ten dollars each, you can have old Jake over there..."
"Thanks, but I'm not like that" said the cowboy.
"Neither is old Jake but if you give us ten dollars each, we'll hold him down for ya..."
Reply