Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop, so I said, "Hop in, I'll give you a lift."
He said, "Sod off!"
Very ungrateful I thought, so I zipped up my rucksack, and just kept walking.

 

[Don the Don]

Someone told me today that I look like a pepper pot, I'll take that as a condiment.

 

[Don the Don]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.

 

[Don the Don]

Years ago, its was suggested that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away".
Now that all the doctors are predominantly Muslim . I feel a bacon sandwich works better

 

[Don the Don]

Three surgeons were having drinks together at a pub and the discussion wandered into what kind of people they liked to operate on.

One says that he likes to operate on mechanical engineers. When he opens one up, all the parts are neatly laid out and wherever parts need to fit together, there is a nice interlock mechanism.

The second says that he likes to operate on electronics engineers. When he cuts one open, not only are the parts all laid out neatly, just like with mechanical engineers, but they are all color coded on top of that.

The third surgeon says that he likes to operate on lawyers. When he opens one up, there are only two parts, the mouth and the asshole, and they are interchangeable.

 

[Don the Don]

It’s so unfair and sexist that manslaughter is illegal. Women can laugh whenever they want.

 

[Don the Don]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into Dodge City and went to the Pub.
When they got there they saw a sign "STRICTLY NO REDSKINS"
"OH Um Baws." Says Tonto,."your racist bastards are at it again."
"Never mind" says the Lone Ranger. "Ahll no be long, you just wait
oot here and keep the flies off the horses."
He goes inside leaving Tonto flying about like a mad hoor chasing flies.
About ten minutes later Billy the Kid came in and said, "Who owns the big Silver Horse out there."
"It’s Mine", said the Lone Ranger, "Why you askin ya spotty faced ****.."
"Just to let ye know, Yev left yer Injun Runnin." Says Billy

 

[Don the Don]

 

[Big Sandy]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.
The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black.
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper,"said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance. "So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

 

[Don the Don]

I saw a load of German shepherds in uniform playing instruments at the shops this morning.
It was the Alsatian Army

 

[Don the Don]

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.
"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

 

[Don the Don]

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: 'George and the Dragon.' He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

 

[Public Enemy]

I just read about a bloke who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

[Public Enemy]

My bald headed friend still carries a comb - he just can’t part with it.

 

[Big Sandy]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

 

[Don the Don]

It's a little known fact that there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing them from the oven.


Saint John The Bap Test

 

[Don the Don]

Yesterday I ate four cans of alphabet spaghetti ......
This morning I had the largest vowel movement ever.

 

[Big Sandy]

It Snowed Last Night


8:00 am: I made a snowman.


8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.


8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.


8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.


8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.


8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.


8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.


8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.


8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.


8:37 - Accused of using black face on the snowman...snowpersons.


8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .


8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.


8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.


8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.


8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.


9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.


9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.


9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.


9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.


10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...


Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes

 

[Don the Don]

I've recently become obsessed with the Bionic woman, Wonder woman and Supergirl.....
I think I might be a heroine addict.

 

[Don the Don]

Three nuns died and went up to heaven.
St Peter met them at the pearly gates. He said that they would have to answer a question before he could let them in.
He asked the first one, who was the first man on earth? She said that’s an easy one, it was Adam.
All the lights flashed, the bells rang and the gates swung open.
He asked the second one, who was the first woman on earth? She said that’s an easy one, it was Eve.
All the lights flashed, the bells rang and the gates swung open.
He asked the third one, what were the first words that Eve said to Adam?
She said that’s a hard one, and all the lights flashed, the bells rang and the gates swung open.