Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, the wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?"

"He's better company." I replied, putting the phone down.

 

[Don the Don]

My sister told me she's going out for a drink later with that Bear Grylls bloke.

I replied, 'Are you taking the piss?'

She said, 'Nah, I'll probably just stick to white wine.'

 

[Don the Don]

My friend said that his mate was so depressed, he owed £500 and had no way of paying it back.
He drove to Beachy Head and sat at the edge of the cliff for two hours with his head just resting on the steering wheel. “Then!” he said “everyone had a whip round and raised the £500!”
I said: “Who had the whip round?” He said: “Everybody on the bus!”

 

[Don the Don]

A few years back I was sat with a mate in the bar in Aberdeen airport when I spotted Red Adair the well known - in the oil industry - troubleshooter and problem solver. I said to my mate “look, there’s Red Adair!” He said “No it’s not. Looks nothing like him”. Well I wouldn’t let it drop so eventually he goes over and says “Excuse me sir, are you Red Adair?” Mr Adair says “Why yes young man, I’m Red Adair”. My mate then says


“Nice to meet you Mr Adair. Tell me, are you still knocking off Ginger Rogers?

 

[Don the Don]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly
contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
...I just lost it.... "CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

[Don the Don]

Fun fact of the day: if you’ve ever donated blood, it could be in somebody’s boner right now

 

[Don the Don]

The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."

 

[Don the Don]

 

[Don the Don]

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the feck did you get her from son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!"
I replied, "There's no need to whisper Dad. She's deaf as well!"

 

[Don the Don]

My wife left me because she said i treated her like our pet cat?
But she'll be back when she's hungry.

 

[Don the Don]

A Catholic priest is walking down the street when suddenly a sweating, dirty bum accosts him.
"Pictures of little boys?" says the bum.
"Go away, I'm not interested," says the priest.
The bum is persistent. "Go on–pictures of leetle boyssss!!!" he leers.
"I'm a man of God–go away!" yells the priest.
"Last chance–pictures of leetle boys!!!!!" sneers the bum.
"Oh okay then," sighs the priest, "how many do you want?”

 

[Don the Don]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key
is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her
skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine"

"I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results"

"But now I've developed two annoying problems"

"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."


The doctor looked at her closely and said,

"Those aren't bags, those are your tits."


She said, "No point asking about the beard then"

 

[Don the Don]

Bumped into Cat Stevens on a camp site.

He looked upset, so I asked him what was the matter.

He said his awning had broken.

 

[Don the Don]

The only time I ever get asked for sex is on application forms.

 

[Don the Don]

Penis Van Lesbian
Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.
Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.
The letter said,
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

 

[Don the Don]

Murphy says to his friend Pat,
"Listen Pat. I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife.
Can you hold him in Church for an hour, after the Church Services finishes, for me”..??
Pat doesn't like it, but being Murphy's long time friend, he agrees.
So after Service, Pat starts talking to the Pastor,
Asking him all sorts of Stupid Questions, just to keep him Occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat,
"What he's really up too”..???
Pat, feeling real guilty, finally Confesses to the Pastor.
"My friend Murphy, is Sleeping with your Wife right now",
And he's asked me, to keep you occupied for an Hour".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says...
"My Son. You better hurry on Home now".
"Cos, my Wife died, nearly two years ago”.

 

[Don the Don]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

 

[Public Enemy]

A man is walking through a park one night when a lady of the night stops him and asks if he would like a ‘happy ending’.. they start getting friendly when a man shines a torch on them, identifies himself as a police officer and asks them what they are doing. The man replies ‘this is my wife and we are just having a romantic moment.’The policeman says he is sorry and didn’t realise the woman was your wife.

The man replies ‘ neither did I until you shone the light on her’

 

[Don the Don]

My wife said she wanted something that could go from 0-200 in seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.




The couch is comfortable.

 

[Don the Don]

Just a reminder between Guts and Balls. There is actually a medical distinction;

GUTS: Arriving home late after a night out with the lads and being met by your wife holding a broom and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or flying off somewhere tonight"

BALLS: Arriving home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of cheap perfume and stale beer, having lipstick on your collar and side of your neck. Then slapping your wife on the ar*se and having the balls to say "cheer up chubs, you're next"

I hope this clears up any confusion, however there is no medical difference in the subsequent outcome, both result in death.