Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A couple were getting an extension built and when the builders started working their four year old daughter took a great interest. On the second day she started to shift some sand with her bucket and spade and the workman took a shine to her and made sure she was safe. She even sat with them during their tea breaks and they gave her a biscuit to munch on.

On Friday the foreman gave her a shiny pound coin for her “wages” and she showed it to her parents. They took her along to the building society to open her own children’s account. The lady behind the counter asked her where she got the money and she replied “I’ve been helping the builders and this is my pay”

“Oh that’s nice. Are you going to work with them next week?”

“Only if those cünts from B&Q bring the fücking plaster board”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Little boy of four is walking down the road with his dad, and spots a puppy in a pet shop window. He turns to his dad and says 'Dad, can I get a puppy"? Father stops, kneels down in front of his son and says "First, tell me one thing, does your cock reach your arse"? the little boy thinks about it, then says "No dad it doesn't". So dad shakes his head and says "Sorry son, no puppy today".

Time goes by, and the boy is now about 12. As he passes a shop window he spots a 12 speed racing bike that is just his size. He walks home and find his dad digging in the back garden, so the boys says "Dad I've seen this fantastic 12 speed racing bike, can I have it for my birthday"? Dad stops digging, wipes the sweat from his face and looks his son straight in the eye. "Well son, before I answer the question, does your cock reach your arse"? The boy thinks about it for a minute, remembers wanting a puppy and says in a quite voice "No dad it doesn't". Dad agaion shakes his head and says "well then I'm sorry son but no bike for your birthday".

Time goes by again, and the boy is now 21. The car dealer has a shiney black sportscar in the showroom that the boy thinks that would do him just right. So he walks home, and this time his dad is sitting in front of the fire reading the paper.

"Dad" says the young man "I've seen this great shiney black sportscar that I want, but I remembered when I asked you for a puppy and then when I wanted a new bike. Before you say a word, I checked and yes my cock now reaches my arse".

The old man puts down his paper, looks up to his son standing there before him and says "So are you telling me that you want this car, and that your cock now reaches your arse"?

The young man looks down at his dad and nods his head. The old bloke thinks for a moment, then picks up his paper and say "well you can go feck yourself...."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered.....
'THE TEETH'
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked!
‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied,
‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
An old postie is doing his round when one of his customers opened the door and invited him in saying “you told me last week that it’s your birthday today so I’ve got a surprise for you”

She leads him upstairs and starts to undress inviting him to do the same. He then has the best sex he’s ever had. He says “bloody hell, that was some present!”

She says “it’s not over yet, how would you like a big cooked breakfast?” After a hearty breakfast he stands to go out and she says “one more thing” and hands him a £5 note.

He says “look, the sex was fantastic, the breakfast was great and now this. Why?”

Well as my husband was leaving for work today I asked him what I should give you for your birthday. He said “Fück him, give him a fiver. The breakfast was my idea”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Olof Scholz and Angela Merkel are dismayed about how bad things are in modern day Germany. They decide there’s only one man who can help, so they set off to South America to find Hitler. Eventually they find him, but he’s reluctant to come back at the age of 134. They plead with him, describing how France, Italy, Russia, Britain, USA and others are all causing trouble for Germany.

Hitler sits back in his chair, with his eyes closed, thinking.
Eventually he he says, “OK, I will come back to help.

But I have to warn you…this time no more Mr Nice Guy”.
 
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