Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Little Johnny sat on his doorstep eating a big bar of chocolate, as soon as he finished he started on another big bar of chocolate. A neighbour across the road saw this and shouted “Oy Johnny I’ll tell your mum about how much chocolate you’ve eaten, it’s not good for you and it will spoil your tea”.
Johnny looked up, swallowed his latest mouthful and shouted “my grandad lived till he was 103”.
”What by eating chocolate”? replied the startled neighbour, Johnny shouted back
”No, by minding his own fecking business”.
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pulls off, and following more signs soon pulls up in front of a large church. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an elderly nun. Very embarrassed, he mutters, "Um..I saw a sign by the highway ... am I in the right place?" The nun smiles and says "Of course! Right this way!"

She leads him inside and down many twisting hallways, up stairs and down until he is thoroughly lost. Eventually they come to a large door and she says, "Give me $200 and go through this door and you will find exactly what you came for."

He can't believe this kindly old nun would lie to him, so he hands over the cash and opens the door. The nun pushes him through and the door slams and locks behind him.

He finds himself standing outside at the back of the church in front of another large sign that reads: "Thank you, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A bloke living in a remote area in Aussie has reported his wife missing for 3 days.

He’s at home on the 4th day and answers a knock at the door - two police officers in uniform ask if they can come in, as they have some bad news, some better news and maybe some much better news for him.

Officer: “Sorry to tell you this, but we discovered your wife drowned in a billabong, must have gone swimming and got trapped in some roots.”

The bloke is very upset, but after he’s composed himself, he asks what the better news is.

Officer: “When we pulled her up, we found a load of juicy landcrabs attached to her body, and we’ve brought you a few in this bag to make you feel better.”

Bloke: “Well thanks, they look really tasty, but what’s the maybe even better news?”

Officer: “When we finish our shift tomorrow, we’re gonna pull her up again and see if there are any more. Do you want to come along?”
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting. Then at the height of the party, the millionaire said, "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who’ll join him in the pool." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around, and saw Brian in the pool fighting madly with the crocodile, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butting it... getting it in choke holds, biting it’s tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of martial arts expert! The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Brian and the crocodile were screaming and raising hell. Finally, after what seemed like ages, Brian strangled the crocodile, and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish. An exhausted Brian wearily climbed out of the pool, with everybody staring at him in disbelief. The millionaire said, "Well Brian, I guess I owe you a million dollars then." "Nah, you are all right man, I don’t want it," said Brian. So, the millionaire said, "I have to give you something, you won the bet." "How about half a million bucks?" "No thanks, I don’t want it," Brian insisted. The millionaire said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something... " "That was amazing!" "How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?" Once again, Brian said, "No thanks." Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Brian, then what do you want?" Brian replied... "I want the bastard who pushed me in!"
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Two old Colonel Blimp-style old duffers sitting on a bus, having a discussion, A younger woman gets on and sits in the seat in front, and can hear exactly what is being said.

First old duffer: "I tell you Carruthers, it is spelt W O O M Woom"!"
Second old duffer: "Balderdash Smythe, my chap tells me it is spelt W H O O M B, Whoomb"

The younger lady sitting in front of them turns round and says "Gentlemen, I am an english teacher, and I can assure you it is spelt W O M B, Womb"

Both old duffers look at her for a second, and then the first old duffers says "Thank you for your input madam, but for clarity can you tell me exactly when you last heard an elephant break wind"?
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A teenage girl has twin boys, and knowing she can’t handle the responsibility right now, gives them up for adoption.

One of the boys goes to a family in Egypt, and is named Amal.

The other boy goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Many years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal to complete their family.

He says,

"' You've seen Juan, you've seen Amal”.
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Bruce and Steve , 2 Australians ,flew to England for a working holiday .after applying for a few jobs and missing out they saw a job advertisement for a butler and chauffeur for an elderly titled lady. “This is us “ Bruce says to Steve.” But we have no idea about those jobs” says Steve. “ leave it to me mate, replies Bruce, “ I’ll do all the talking “

So they go along to the interview and it all is going along brilliantly,as the interview is coming to an end ,The titled lady says “ well you young men seem to be perfect for the job all I need to see now is your testimonials.

As they are walking back down the driveway afterwards,Steve says to Bruce “ If you knew the difference between testimonials and testicles I think we might have got those jobs “
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
I phoned the radio station today. The presenter answered and said,

“Well done on being our first caller. All you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!"

"That’s fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

The presenter said, "Its a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school."

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A radio station was running a competition and the prize was a holiday in Florida. The competition was that the DJ would phone a partner of a couple and ask them a personal question. The DJ would then call the other partner and ask them the same question, if the answer was the same WIN!

Brrrrr Brrrrr

“Hello”

“Hello, is that Mary?”

“Yes?”

“Mary, this is Dave Smooth from scrote radio good afternoon”

“Oh hello Dave”

“Mary, your husband entered our competition to win a holiday in sunny Florida. I asked him a question earlier and all you have to do is give me the same answer. Are you ready?”

“Er…. Yes”

“Your husband told me that before he left for work this morning, you quickly made love. Where did you do it?”

“I can’t answer that on the radio!!”

“Yes you can! Go on!”

“No, it’s too embarrassing!”

“Mary, think about the holiday, go on!”

“Well……”

“Go on!”


“OK”

“Go on”

“Up the bum”
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his woman neighbor on the elevator.​

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.

"About $20 a pint." she says.

"Hmm ...," the man says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman is left with a questioning expression on her face as the man leaves the elevator.

The next day they meet in the elevator again.

The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"

-
"Fmerm mank," she says.
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Throughout their 60 years of marriage, Dwight and Barbara have been very happy together.
However, their advanced age came with its downsides – namely, their “romance” was nowhere to be found.

That is, until one night…
As they were lying in bed watching TV, Barbara suddenly felt her husband touching her in a way that he hadn’t for a long time.
It almost tickled as his hand touched her neck, and then slowly wandered across her body…
He caressed her neck, grazed her breast, then traveled further down, to rest on her lower belly.
Suddenly he stops..!

He then continued up along the inside of her arm, along her left side, once again grazing her breast, lightly touching her behind, then her inner thigh, and coming to rest on her upper thigh - pausing so she could feel everything.
He then repeated the procedure, this time on her right side.
Suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching the TV.
Barbara had become quite aroused by his caressing, and she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, dear. But why did you stop?”

Dwight replied absent-mindedly,

“I’ve found the remote!”
 

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Minnie and Mickey Mouse are in divorce court.
The judge addresses Mickey. “So it says here in your complaint that you think Minnie is crazy.” “Now that’s not really a basis for divorce in this jurisdiction.”
Mickey replies. “I never said she was crazy, Judge.”



"I said she’s Fücking Goofy!”
 
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