Don the Don
Legendary Knight
On a school trip 50 years ago, one of my school friends got sent home early, the Teacher had caught him masturbating in the showers.
I don't think the school's ever been allowed to visit Auschwitz since
I don't think the school's ever been allowed to visit Auschwitz since
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Told my girlfriend I've got a problem. She said no, we've got a problem we are a team we share each others problems.
She asked what the problem was, I said it doesn't matter now. She said no come on were in this together.
I said ok, we've got your sister pregnant.
She asked what the problem was, I said it doesn't matter now. She said no come on were in this together.
I said ok, we've got your sister pregnant.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames at Westminster. The smaller one turned to the big one and said "I can't understand how you're so much bigger than me, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it!"
"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, the same as you," said the small croc.
"Well where do you catch them?"
"Down by Parliament on the other side of the river."
"Same here, how do you catch them?"
"Well I crawl under their car and wait for them to unlock it, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, then eat them!"
"Aah," said the big crocodile, "There's your problem, you're not getting enough nourishment. See, once you shake the shit out of a Politician there's nothing left but an arrsehole and a briefcase!"
"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, the same as you," said the small croc.
"Well where do you catch them?"
"Down by Parliament on the other side of the river."
"Same here, how do you catch them?"
"Well I crawl under their car and wait for them to unlock it, then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, then eat them!"
"Aah," said the big crocodile, "There's your problem, you're not getting enough nourishment. See, once you shake the shit out of a Politician there's nothing left but an arrsehole and a briefcase!"
A homeless man approached me in town. He said "I haven't eaten a thing for two days"
I said "I wish I had your willpower".
I said "I wish I had your willpower".
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Big Sandy
Legendary Knight
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain..
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand..
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese..
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met..
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights?
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain..
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand..
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese..
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met..
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights?
MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
The utterly mental thing about number 35 on that list is that, if your car did travel at the speed of light, the light from your headlights would be still travelling the speed of light faster than you! It makes absolutely no logical sense but is absolutely a fact and no-one, not even Einstein could explain why. This is why we talk about the 'relative' speed of light - No matter what speed you are travelling at light is always still travelling at the speed of light 'relative' to you. It's almost as if each person's universe operates 'relative' to them.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The old Tampax song.
"you can tell, by the smell, that she isn't very well,
when the end of the month comes around.
You can tell by the string that she's got the bugger in
when the end of the month comes around.
(chorus)
we're the boys who work in the tampax factory,
shout your orders loud and clear (loud and clear!)
we've got thin ones fat ones, sannys big and small.
we've got a sanny, to fit your fanny,
when the end of the month comes around!
You can tell she's in pain when she's walking like JohnWayne.
when the end of the month comes around"
You can tell by the taste that it isnt salmon paste,
when the time of the month comes around,
(chorus)
we're the boys who work in the tampax factory,
shout your orders loud and clear (loud and clear!)
we've got thin ones fat ones, sannys big and small.
we've got a sanny, to fit your fanny,
when the end of the month comes around!
You can tell that shes blobbin cause shes losing heamaglobin,
when the time of the month comes around,
You can tell by the frown that you'll have to pot the brown
when the end of the month comes round.
"you can tell, by the smell, that she isn't very well,
when the end of the month comes around.
You can tell by the string that she's got the bugger in
when the end of the month comes around.
(chorus)
we're the boys who work in the tampax factory,
shout your orders loud and clear (loud and clear!)
we've got thin ones fat ones, sannys big and small.
we've got a sanny, to fit your fanny,
when the end of the month comes around!
You can tell she's in pain when she's walking like JohnWayne.
when the end of the month comes around"
You can tell by the taste that it isnt salmon paste,
when the time of the month comes around,
(chorus)
we're the boys who work in the tampax factory,
shout your orders loud and clear (loud and clear!)
we've got thin ones fat ones, sannys big and small.
we've got a sanny, to fit your fanny,
when the end of the month comes around!
You can tell that shes blobbin cause shes losing heamaglobin,
when the time of the month comes around,
You can tell by the frown that you'll have to pot the brown
when the end of the month comes round.