Joke of the day.

[BAD LUCK DUCK]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At theFrench customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The elderly gentleman said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible! you always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained-
"Well, when I came ashore at sword Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to..."

In your face you ungrateful French bastards....

 

[Don the Don]

 

[Don the Don]

Got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breasts spilling out. I couldn’t help staring.

It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

 

[Don the Don]

Got ripped off yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market “Wooden Leg”

I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”

He said... “This is a pirate version”

 

[Don the Don]

My Grandad was credited with the destruction of seven Messerschmitts during WWII.

He was easily the worst mechanic in the entire Luftwaffe.

 

[Don the Don]

I will be having Himalayan rabbit for dinner tomorrow.

I found himalayin' out on the towpath......

 

[Don the Don]

I just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of rock. He said it came from Ireland and had been kissed by St Patrick himself, but when I looked underneath it was stamped Made in China. It was obviously a Sham Rock.

 

[Don the Don]

Chromosomes. XX = Female XY = Male YYY = Delilah

 

[Don the Don]

In a recent survey of Britain's Dwarf population, six out of seven admitted they weren't Happy

 

[Don the Don]

Like most folk I am been getting my clothes online.
The downside is the neighbours have started taking in their washing at night.

 

[Don the Don]

Be careful with the John Denver voiced satnav.
It will only take you home via country roads.

 

[Don the Don]

I'm seldom inclined to show malice,
But I haven't a kind word for Alice.
For she measures your worth
By the length times the girth
Times the thrust per square inch of your phallus.

 

[Don the Don]

 

[Don the Don]

But doctor,' protested the expat, 'it's impossible for my wife to be pregnant. I've been working in Saudi Arabia for the last year - I haven't been back home in all that time.'
'I'm sorry,' said the doctor, 'but that's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy.'
'What's that?'
'I'm afraid that someone had it in for you,'

 

[Don the Don]

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.


That's what you get for buying cheap toilet paper.

 

[Sarky B’stard]

Some of these are almost as funny 4th and 5th time around.
The clue is in the name……

 

[Don the Don]

I won't say ours was a tough school but we had our own coroner

 

[Don the Don]

Two scousers are in a posh restaurant and one says, "I'm gonna order the venison".
His mate says, "Don't order dat it's dead deer, you should have mutton like me, dat's dead sheep!

 

[Don the Don]

Prince Charles is visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93-year-old lady,

"Have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"

She replies "A couple of times but I prefer being shagged on the sofa!"

 

[Don the Don]

I prefer to watch Wimbledon with the sound off.
If the screen is off too, that's even better.