Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........
We've never played Monopoly again
We've never played Monopoly again
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Show me” says the doctor.
The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pressed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.
“Show me” says the doctor.
The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pressed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Donna from the Dingle in Liverpool crashes her car. She says to paramedic - 'I think I've got concussion' Paramedic asks 'How many fingers have I got up?' To which Donna replies 'F*ckin hell, me fanny's paralysed too'....
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Bloody Cats Protection League... what a scam!
I've been paying £5 a month for nearly two years and what happened when I got mugged yesterday?.... Not one of the little fuckers came to help!
I've been paying £5 a month for nearly two years and what happened when I got mugged yesterday?.... Not one of the little fuckers came to help!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two ladies are sitting in a veterinary waiting room with their dogs. One of them has a large Rottweiler. She peers over at the other and asks “What are you in for?”
The second has a tiny Terrier. She looks up abruptly and replies "Rosco here gets so excited when the mail is delivered. He runs all over the house and then mounts my leg. I can’t do anything with him in that state, so I’m having him fixed. How about you?”
The first lady snaps back “Oh my! I have the same issue with Brutus here! When I go out to get the paper, as soon as I bend down he’s all over me!”
“Oh, you’re getting him fixed then?”
“No, I’m getting his nails trimmed…”
The second has a tiny Terrier. She looks up abruptly and replies "Rosco here gets so excited when the mail is delivered. He runs all over the house and then mounts my leg. I can’t do anything with him in that state, so I’m having him fixed. How about you?”
The first lady snaps back “Oh my! I have the same issue with Brutus here! When I go out to get the paper, as soon as I bend down he’s all over me!”
“Oh, you’re getting him fixed then?”
“No, I’m getting his nails trimmed…”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The Mother Superior gathered all her nuns together in the chapel and, in a stern voice said, “I have to report that we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
An old nun at the back nudged her mate and said, “Thank Christ for that - I was getting really fed up with that chardonnay
An old nun at the back nudged her mate and said, “Thank Christ for that - I was getting really fed up with that chardonnay
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
........bugger, I just reheated my Hawaiian Pizza in the Microwave & burned it.
.......should have used aloha setting.
.......should have used aloha setting.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Authorities are trying to trace the source of a diarrhoea outbreak.
So far they have nothing solid!
So far they have nothing solid!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Pet Owner: "Every time the door bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer.
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two blondes chatting about their new blokes. One says to other “my new boyfriend’s a veterinarian”,
The other one asks “did he fight in any wars”
To which the first replies “no silly, he doesn’t eat meat”
The other one asks “did he fight in any wars”
To which the first replies “no silly, he doesn’t eat meat”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
What's the difference between Ralgex and haemorrhoid cream?
I'll tell you when I stop crying
I'll tell you when I stop crying
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Middle Eastern website has described Geordies as having a "penchant for violence" & Newcastle Upon Tyne as a "remote tribal community" which is worse than Civil War stricken Yemen.
I think that's extremely harsh and unfair,
There are in fact some lovely parts in Yemen, especially down by the coast.
I think that's extremely harsh and unfair,
There are in fact some lovely parts in Yemen, especially down by the coast.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Liven up your cat's morning by filling its litter tray with rice krispies
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Top Tip Of The Day
Save money by turning your sofa into a sofa bed
simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.
Save money by turning your sofa into a sofa bed
simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Is Karl Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.
There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.
I didn't think that chicken was properly cooked
There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.
I didn't think that chicken was properly cooked
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady, goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anyone's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods grabs the box and quickly makes her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices the print at the bottom of the paper: "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop" So, the lady calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I've already had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes, and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anyone's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods grabs the box and quickly makes her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices the print at the bottom of the paper: "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop" So, the lady calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I've already had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes, and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The NHS have reassured me that I dont need to worry about self-isolating.
My appearance, my personality and sense of humour will ensure that nobody will want to be near me.
My appearance, my personality and sense of humour will ensure that nobody will want to be near me.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've been teaching hobbits how to play cricket
Bilbo is really good at catching. He can't really frodo.
Bilbo is really good at catching. He can't really frodo.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and, because it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a bone!"