Joke of the day.

[Foxy]

Unusual. Tarts are normally scarlet.

But what if they're lemon curd tarts?

 

[Don the Don]

A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.

All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?

"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.

"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol,"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist," says the man'

"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "Is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"

The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"

 

[Don the Don]

I saw this f@ggot wearing a wig and asked him, "Oi, Tranny boy, what do you "identify" as ?"

"A judge," he replied, as my trial got off to an abysmal start.

 

[Sarky B’stard]

A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic.

All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?

"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.

"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol,"? says the Landlord
"I'm a Taxidermist," says the man'

"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "Is that something to do with transport boyo?
The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"

The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"

Oldie but goldie

 

[Don the Don]

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

 

[Don the Don]

Overheard in Wolverhampton :

Santa.................Hello little girl, what would you like for Christmas ?

Little Girl ..........I want my cup.

Santa.................A special cup, for your milk and juice ?


Little Girl............No, my cup, yo put it on your face.

 

[Don the Don]

They’re making a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert Deniro.

It’s called The Old Dear Hunter.

 

[chas]

Some joke unearthed from the mists of time

You are Max Bygraves and i claim my five pounds

 

[Public Enemy]

Overheard in Wolverhampton :

Santa.................Hello little girl, what would you like for Christmas ?

Little Girl ..........I want my cup.

Santa.................A special cup, for your milk and juice ?


Little Girl............No, my cup, yo put it on your face.

That's so bad! I had to read it twice before my ageing brain cells caught up.

 

[Scrappy]

That's so bad! I had to read it twice before my ageing brain cells caught up.

It took me three reads

 

[Don the Don]

It took me three reads

It loses a lot in translation

 

[Don the Don]

The England team have visited an orphanage in Prague,
"Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope"
Said Miloš aged 6

 

[Don the Don]

Murphy goes into the chemist's and says 'I'd like a chamberpot please'.

The assistant says 'Sorry, we don't sell them. Have you tried Boots?'.

Murphy says 'I have but the piss runs out of the laceholes'

 

[Don the Don]

Steppenwolf was an assumed name.
He was born Toby Wild.

 

[Don the Don]

I keep dreaming that I'm Suggs,
is this the first signs of Madness?

 

[Don the Don]

I was on a survival course the other day and the lesson was about foraging for food. The instructor told us to look out for squirrels, follow them and eat their nuts.

Seems like an awful lot of effort for not much meat.

 

[Scrappy]

@Judd Dredd we really really need that face palm smilie back

 

[Scrappy]

@Judd Dredd we really really need that face palm smilie back

If you have just added it again, cheers - Or if I've been a prat and its been back for some time sorry!

 

[Sarky B’stard]

Matt Hancock.

 

[chas]

Matt Hancock.

He's making the likes of Lord (plain brown envelope) Archer look upstanding citizens by comparison.

And of course it's a press distaction from bastards with their noses deeper in the trough.