Joke of the day.

chas

chas

Legendary Knight
DD67 said:
This is very childish but it made me laugh šŸ™‚

Sat on a bench today eating a sarnie with the Merc directly in front of me.
A guy sat down on the opposite end of the bench & pretty much straight away started tutting & looking at his watch.
After a while the penny dropped that he wanted me to f#ck off so his wife didn't have to sit between us.

I finished my sarnie & went to put my rubbish in the bin.
But as I stood up, I looked at the Merc & said "Convertible mode"
Whilst pressing the key fob in my pocket to activate the SmartTop.

The look on their faces was priceless šŸ˜‰
Click to expand...
He was probably shocked the car understood your 'Vic Reeves pretending to be Noddy Holder' accent as much as anything
 
DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
chas said:
He was probably shocked the car understood your 'Vic Reeves pretending to be Noddy Holder' accent as much as anything
Click to expand...
Vic Reeves & Noddy Holder? šŸ¤”
That's a new one Chas.
I normally get wrongly accused of being a Londoner or Australian. How those two work together is beyond me? šŸ„“

Anyway, those clever Germans could probably get their cars to understand any accent. Even Jockinese šŸ˜‰




Or they could purchase the "special" edition Jockinese version šŸ™‚
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A tramp goes into the ironmongers, walks up to the counter and says "Gissa bottle o' meths."

"Be off with you, "you'll drink it!"

"Shan't," says the tramp, "Go, on please."

"I told you, you can't have it 'cos you'll drink it!"

"Promise I won't," says the tramp.

"OK, OK - here you go, 85p," says the ironmonger.

"Any chance of one from the fridge?"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted - as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches ?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches ?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife stonefaced, "you'll be lengthening his legs, won't you ?"
 
Flynnt20

Flynnt20

Legendary Knight
Husband . Officer , i would like to report my wifes gone missing
Officer . When did you last see her
Husband . Cant remember if it was yesterday or the day before
Officer . How old is your wife sir
Husband . Erm 42 or 43 , not sure
Officer . What was your wife wearing when she left sir
Husband . Erm . i wasnt taking much notice to be honest
Officer . How tall is your wife sir
Husband . Erm 5'2 5'4 somewhere about there
Officer . Whats your wifes hair colour sir
Husband . Erm she did dye it blonde a while ago but she may have gone back to brown by now , not sure
Officer , What car is she driving or did she take public transport
Husband . Neither mate she took my bike
Officer . What bike is it Sir
Husband . 1998 Triumph Thunderbird 900 , Diablo black, polished alloy wheel rims with stainless spokes , aftermarket Brake and clutch lines
Triumph Tor silencers , bespoke one off touring seat , oxford heated grips , oxford fender extender , Triumph engine bars , K&N filters . Givi top box and Panniers. Graphite Grey fly screen , Thunderbird sport front end so its got twin discs and not the single as standard
Officer . Dont worry mate we will get your bike back for you
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A woman came home to find her husband swatting flies. ā€œHave you killed any?ā€ she asked.

He replied proudly ā€œYes love, I got three males and two femalesā€

ā€œHow do you know what sex they were?ā€ she asked.

ā€œWell the three males were on my beer cans and the two females were on your phoneā€
 
Bad Billy

Bad Billy

Piemantino Rossi
Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
BAD LUCK DUCK

BAD LUCK DUCK

Forum Duck
Bad Billy said:
Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Click to expand...
Pushed..Definitely pushed..Then should have been dragged back up and pushed off again just to be sure...
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers:

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
"Very good." Says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
"Excellent." Says the teacher
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
"I had Feck All." He says. 'F-E-C-K-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:

"Johnny." She asks. "Where is the Mexican Border?"

Johnny ponders the question and finally says. "The Mexican border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Feck All for Breakfast!"
 
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