Joke of the day.

[Don the Don]

The guy and the monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?”

"No, what?”

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!”

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball.”

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?”

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!”

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

 

[Don the Don]

Thanks for all your messages! First of all, I'm fine - or I will be soon. I had nasty accident today but I'm ok. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse ok and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! Have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the carousel.

 

[Don the Don]

I arrived early at the restaurant last night.
The manger asked me if I minded waiting for a bit.
"Not at all I replied"
"Great" he said, "Take these drinks to table three."

 

[Don the Don]

My wife just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?"
I said, "Behave, it would take ages to get there on a camel."

 

[Don the Don]

I’ve put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet. So far he’s eating one a week. Do you think I’m over feeding him?

 

[Don the Don]

Apparently Waddingtons now do a swinger's edition of Cluedo;
Everyone did it, in all the rooms

 

[Don the Don]

Completely misunderstood pride month.
Does anyone want to buy 15 lions?

 

[Don the Don]

Yesterday my Grandad went to the Cobblers to collect his shoes: The cobbler says. ''When did you bring them in mate?!! Grandad says. ''Wednesday, March the 10th 1949.''

The Cobbler says. "You're having a laugh mate, this shop has changed hands 17 times and we don't keep records. Anyway, where's your ticket?!!

Grandad opens his wallet and produces the ticket in perfect condition.
The cobbler can't believe it, but goes down the cellar stairs and searches an hour for the shoes He comes up the stairs all covered in cobwebs with a pair of shoes and says to grandad. ''Is this ''em?''

Grandad says. ''Yes.'' All excited.

The Cobbler says. ''They'll be ready Friday!

 

[Don the Don]

Why do Scouse cars have small steering wheels?

So they can still drive with handcuffs on.

 

[Don the Don]

It used to be the case that the Catholic Church would inspire young boys to enter the priesthood - now it is the other way round.

 

[Don the Don]

Whilst telling a friend about his future marriage the groom said he would be wearing a kilt.
The friend asked what’s the tartan.
The groom replied, ‘she’ll be wearing white.’

 

[Don the Don]

England Football Breaking News !
Following Friday nights shameful performance and total lack of National Pride,
It has today emerged that the 3 Lions on England's shirt have requested a transfer,
they have asked for a move to The Born Free Foundation to be able to live out the rest of their lives with at least a little dignity !!

 

[Sarky B’stard]

Whilst telling a friend about his future marriage the groom said he would be wearing a kilt.
The friend asked what’s the tartan.
The groom replied, ‘she’ll be wearing white.’

Unusual. Tarts are normally scarlet.

 

[BAD LUCK DUCK]

Unusual. Tarts are normally scarlet.

Oooh I love Miss Scarlett in cluedo

 

[MartytheMartian]

We definitely need that facepalm emoji back

 

[Holy Shit]

Son asks Dad,what’s the difference between theory and reality,Dad ponders deeply then says go and ask your mum whether she’d sleep with the plumber for a million quid.Son come back,”yes she would”.Hmmm,says dad ,I see...,ok go and ask your sister the same question,later son comes back with the same answer.
Hmm, so there you have it says Dad,what do you mean?says son.The difference between theory and reality says Dad.
I don’t understand, what do you mean says son.
Dad says in theory we have 2 million quid but in reality we’re living with a pair of slappers.......

 

[Don the Don]

Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD

 

[Don the Don]

The sign at the Hospital which states
"STROKE PATIENTS"
may not mean what you might think

 

[Don the Don]

A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and i'm making tea'.

 

[MartytheMartian]

You were doing well until that last one @Don the Don Boss where is that facepalm emoji!