Joke of the day.

GaleForceEight

GaleForceEight

Legendary Knight
Flynnt20 said:
If the queens executioner ever become a job again i will save the country a fortune , i will even supply the rope
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Many years ago I was at the Tower of London, being shown around by the curator of the modern museum there. It wasn’t open to the public at the time so we got to have a closer look at some bits and pieces. I did have a chat with the fellow who kept the torture chambers there. He was immensely proud that everything was maintained in full working order should it ever be required.
 
MartytheMartian

MartytheMartian

Legendary Knight
A pal of mine, an ex redcap, ex met police fellow and now a consultant to police across the UK reckons that they will never have a referendum on bringing back Capitol Punishment as they know that the majority of people would not have a problem with it and it would mean a massive amount of work not to mention a whole lot of those who love criminals (who they are convinced they can 'fix' with a bit of love) more than they love victims because victims are not sexy wailing, crying and gnashing their teeth over the loss of so many worthless pieces of trash.

Oh I have a scythe in the shed and I know where I can get a retired, pale, Scots Grey's war horse called 'Binky' if they are looking for a 'lopper'.
 
Flynnt20

Flynnt20

Legendary Knight
Just been for a quick ride out and about 10 miles away i came across an isolated farm i have passed dozens of times but this time there was a cardboard sign by the gate stating " Talking Dog for sale " , Balls to this i think to myself , this i have to see !
Walking down the path i see the farmer and ask to see the dog , " No problem hes kipping on the back garden " said the farmer , I walked upto the dog , knelt down and asked " Hello old lad whats your name ? " The dog never looked up but said " Eric , whats yours " Fook me i nearly pissed myself with shock . I asked Eric the dog his story and it was amazing
His owner discovered him talking when he was about 6 months old and he said he was sent to work for the secret service , he had mingled at Buckingham palace , 10 downing street and anyone upto no good didnt think twice about stroking a lovely friendly Labrador whilst discussing their evil deeds , he then went to tell the secret service and their evil plot was foiled . The president of the Good old US of A asked to borrow me for a few years as a so called pet at the White house so i could do the same job at gatherings , the things i reported back almost saved the US of A from certain downfall , mr President was so pleased i am pleased to say i was awarded the Freedom of all America but by now i was 8 years old and longed to return to the beautifull rolling hills of home .
So i have been back about 2 years , i have 3 lovely wives and more kids than i could ever count and spend my retirement just eating and sleeping in the garden , I looked at the farmer completely bewildered as to why he would want to sell such a cash cow but i wasnt going to ask him in case he changed his mind . Bugger me this dog is going to make me wealthier than my wildest dreams , Thinking i could remortgage the house as he will want about £100.000 for this bugger but i can make that back in 2 months , I cooly asked the farmer " Name your price pal cos Eric is coming with me " You can have the old lad for £20 " he said "20 fuckin quid " i said " why , dont you know what this dog is worth ?
" Aye "the farmer said " But the little bastards full of shit , hes never been out of this garden in his life , the lying little twat "


I know i have posted this elsewhere but i thought instead of discussing what winds us up all the time i would try to get this thread up and running again :p:p:):)
 
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Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌
"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌
"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌
"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌
Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌
"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!
 
Sarky B’stard

Sarky B’stard

Legendary Knight
Foxy said:
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
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I first heard this joke in 1994. Thank you for keeping it safe and warm.
 
Tallpaul

Tallpaul

Legendary Knight
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamoured with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you"...
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver"....

Bloody hell BLD! WTF?
 
DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
Tallpaul said:
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamoured with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you"...
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver"....

Bloody hell BLD! WTF?
Click to expand...
It's all coming out now @BAD LUCK DUCK 😳 🤣
 
DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
This is very childish but it made me laugh 🙂

Sat on a bench today eating a sarnie with the Merc directly in front of me.
A guy sat down on the opposite end of the bench & pretty much straight away started tutting & looking at his watch.
After a while the penny dropped that he wanted me to f#ck off so his wife didn't have to sit between us.

I finished my sarnie & went to put my rubbish in the bin.
But as I stood up, I looked at the Merc & said "Convertible mode"
Whilst pressing the key fob in my pocket to activate the SmartTop.

The look on their faces was priceless 😉
 
Sarky B’stard

Sarky B’stard

Legendary Knight
Tallpaul said:
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamoured with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you"...
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver"....

Bloody hell BLD! WTF?
Click to expand...
That was a Duck joke wasn’t it? Did he put you up to it?
 
Sarky B’stard

Sarky B’stard

Legendary Knight
DD67 said:
This is very childish but it made me laugh 🙂

Sat on a bench today eating a sarnie with the Merc directly in front of me.
A guy sat down on the opposite end of the bench & pretty much straight away started tutting & looking at his watch.
After a while the penny dropped that he wanted me to f#ck off so his wife didn't have to sit between us.

I finished my sarnie & went to put my rubbish in the bin.
But as I stood up, I looked at the Merc & said "Convertible mode"
Whilst pressing the key fob in my pocket to activate the SmartTop.

The look on their faces was priceless 😉
Click to expand...
Childish in an adult sort of way 👍🏼
 
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