Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've got over 4m followers on my "how to catch a virus" YouTube chanel.
I'm an influenza.
I'm an influenza.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two candles were talking, one said "what you doing later? the other one said "dunno, might go out "
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
So a soldier who was renting my house has done a runner owing me 6 months rent!!
He told me he was a General but I've since discovered he's a Left Tenant!!
He told me he was a General but I've since discovered he's a Left Tenant!!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Just waved a lorry down for shedding his load.....
He told me to **** off because he's gritting the roads.......
He told me to **** off because he's gritting the roads.......
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
An Egyptian mummy has been found covered on nuts and chocolate.
Archaeologists think it is pharaoh Rocher.
Archaeologists think it is pharaoh Rocher.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, so I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.
'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I also come with him tomorrow?'
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, so I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar.
'He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I also come with him tomorrow?'
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
It snowed last night.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It all happened because of snowflakes!
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It all happened because of snowflakes!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My car wouldn't start this morning.
I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block.
He said: "Good day to you Sir! And might I remark how splendid you look today?"
I knew the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block.
He said: "Good day to you Sir! And might I remark how splendid you look today?"
I knew the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Jockey was Riding the Favourite at a Christmas Eve Race Meeting, and was Well Ahead of the Rest of the Field.
His Horse rounded the Final Corner,
When suddenly the Jockey, was Hit on the Head by a Turkey and a String of Sausages.
He managed to keep Control of his Mount and pulled back, into the Race Lead,
Only to be struck by a Box of Christmas Crackers and a Dozen Mince Pies, as he went over the Last Fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the Horse, to the Front of the Field once more, when.
On the run in, he was struck on the Head by a Bottle of Sherry and a Christmas Pudding..?!?!?
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming, ONLY Second.
He immediately went to the Race Stewards to Complain
That he had been seriously - "HAMPERED"..
His Horse rounded the Final Corner,
When suddenly the Jockey, was Hit on the Head by a Turkey and a String of Sausages.
He managed to keep Control of his Mount and pulled back, into the Race Lead,
Only to be struck by a Box of Christmas Crackers and a Dozen Mince Pies, as he went over the Last Fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the Horse, to the Front of the Field once more, when.
On the run in, he was struck on the Head by a Bottle of Sherry and a Christmas Pudding..?!?!?
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming, ONLY Second.
He immediately went to the Race Stewards to Complain
That he had been seriously - "HAMPERED"..
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A man goes to confession and was amazed to see on one wall guiness on tap, to his right there was the finest cigars , chocolates and whiskey, infront there was a pornographic video playing, the man says "Father I have not been to confession for many years , it certainly has changed, Father replies " Fcuk off you're on my side of the box"
Foxy
Legendary Knight
Risk Assessment
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year's well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Merry Christmas from the Risk Assessment Team
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year's well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Merry Christmas from the Risk Assessment Team
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Get yourselves down the crematorium, quick, and grab yourself a bargain.
I hear they're doing a special this week.
I hear they're doing a special this week.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Terry Hall's death could've been caused by a ruptured intestine after visiting an all you can eat Chinese restaurant.
He had too much foo yung.
He had too much foo yung.
Foxy
Legendary Knight
A guy who 'bats for the other side' goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I think I might be HIV positive, what should I do about it?" The doc thinks for a minute and then says, "Ok, try this, when you get home, have a really hot Vindaloo curry, followed by a big plate of rhubard crumble and finish off with a plate of stewed prunes, all washed down with a glass of syrup of figs" The gay guy says, "Oh, will that cure HIV?" The doc says, "No, but it will show you what your arse is REALLY for!!!"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
Two Jews walking down a street see a sign outside a small Church. "Let us show you the power of Christ. Spend 30 minutes with us and we'll give you £100 for your time."
First jew says "Easy money, you go in and listen to their garbage, get the dosh then I'll go in".
After 30 minutes the jew comes out and the first jew says "Did you get the money?"
The other jew says "Is that all you cünts think about?"
First jew says "Easy money, you go in and listen to their garbage, get the dosh then I'll go in".
After 30 minutes the jew comes out and the first jew says "Did you get the money?"
The other jew says "Is that all you cünts think about?"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've just taken out a subscription for Imodium Monthly Magazine.
Part 1 comes with a free ring binder!
Part 1 comes with a free ring binder!
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
'OnlyFans model reveals fan offered her fifty pounds to poo in a box and post it to him'.
ruddy hell, and I've been posting mine to my local MP for free for years.
ruddy hell, and I've been posting mine to my local MP for free for years.