Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A BOXING DAY POO
You sit upon the toilet
With everything prepared
You're feeling quite excited but
A little bloody scared!
That huge amount of Christmas nosh
Has turned into a log
And now the fateful time has come
To flush it down the bog!
But first you must expel the beast
And so you start to strain,
You bite down on a piece of wood
To take away the pain
But oh my god, its bloody huge
It's like you're giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake
and strain for all your worth.
And then that magic moment comes,
That fills your soul with cheer,
A turd the size of King Kongs arm
Emerges from your rear.
And like a bomb it hits the pan
Thus lightening your mood,
And making room inside your guts
For lots more Christmas food!
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A cowboy was casually riding across the prairie and just happened to glance up.

He was surrounded by Indians on horseback, there were hundreds of them. They charged down and captured him then took him back to their camp.

The chief heard all the commotion and came out to investigate what was going on. When he saw the captured cowboy he said "It's been a good year and we are very happy, so we will give you three wishes before we kill you. What would you like for your first wish?"

The cowboy said he wishes to speak to his horse. They bring the horse over to him and he reaches up and whispers into the horse's ear. The horse neighs then takes off at full gallop across the prairie.

An hour later the horse returns with a beautiful naked lady on its back. The chief is very impressed by this and tells the cowboy he can borrow a teepee for him and the girl. After a while they emerge from the teepee with the cowboy buttoning up his shirt. The chief comes over and tells the cowboy he has two wishes left, and what would he like for his second wish.

Again the cowboy wishes to speak to his horse. He whispers in it's ear again, and the horse nods it's head and neighs, then gallops off again over the prairie.

After an hour the horse returns, with another beautiful naked lady on it's back. Again the chief tells the cowboy be can borrow the teepee. When the cowboy and girl come out from the teepee the chief comes over again and reminds the cowboy he has one wish left.

The cowboy wants to speak to his horse again, when they bring the horse over he grabs it by the head, and yells into it's face "POSSE, POSSE, I said POSSE you deaf sod, not ruddy pussy.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly --- tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replies. "I'm with the Inland Revenue."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight

Pope died and arrived in heaven​


St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.
"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.
"I want to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"
"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well, we do have an opening in the Catering Corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"
"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"
"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all need goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."
"So you're putting me in a shop? More racial stereotyping! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."
The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet.
"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"
"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"
"Well it's Sort of like a taxi."
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping centre. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen a lift) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old woman with a cane moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady ambled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

"Go get your Mother."
 
Foxy

Foxy

Legendary Knight
This might interest someone on here.....
It's all about ducks:

Induction – Adding a duck
Deduction – Removing a duck
Reduction – Replacing a worn out duck
Production – Supporting ducks
Conductor – The duck in charge
Abduction – Sit-ups for ducks
Subduction – An underwater duck
Introduction – When ducks meet
Conduction – Moving a duck
Seduction – Ducks in love
Reproduction – Making copies of ducks
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A big game Hunter went on a Safari with his Wife and Mother-in-Law.
One morning while still deep in the Jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her Mother gone.
She woke her husband and they both set off in search of the elderly woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight ... the mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a Lion.
”What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
”Nothing,’ her Husband replied, “The Lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!"
 
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