Joke of the day.

Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A Northern Territory farm hand, (an Aboriginal dude) radio’s back to the Farm Manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a Pig with the Truck. The Pig's OK, but he's stuck in the Bull-Bars, on the Front of my Truck”.
“Boss my big problem IS..?? he’s Wriggling, Hollering and Squealing so much, I can't get the fecka out."
The Manager says,
"OK Benji, there's a .303 Rifle behind the Truck Seat. Take it, Shoot the Pig, twice in the Head and then you'll be able to Remove Him."
Five Minutes later, Benji the Farm Hand calls back,
"I did what you said Boss. Took the .303 Rifle, from behind the Truck Seat and I Shot the Pig, twice in the Head and removed him from the Truck’s Bull-Bars”.
No problem there, but I still CAN’T Go On"..?!?!?
"Now what's the friggin Problem"..??? raged the Manager.
"Well Boss, it's his Big Shiny, Motor-Bike. The Flashing Blue Light is still going and it’s Damn Stuck Under, the Right-Front Wheel Arch"..?!?!?
"Boss, Boss”. . . !?
*
“You Still There Boss”
 
Big Sandy

Big Sandy

Legendary Knight
A bus full of Nuns falls over a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of Heaven and meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a lot of noise and jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to barge her way in front of the others.

St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”

Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
An asylum seeker arrived at Dover, he kicked a bottle and a Genie jumped out! "wad yer want" said the Genie, "I want some food" said the Asylum fellow, it was Granted, "Now I want some clothes", it was Granted. What next asked the Genie. I want to be British said the asylum seeker. all the food and clothes suddenly disappeared. WTF said the asylum seeker: "Your'e British now" said the Genie, "Your'e entitled to Sweet Fu*cK All"
 
S

Steve 998cc

Legendary Knight
Don the Don said:
An asylum seeker arrived at Dover, he kicked a bottle and a Genie jumped out! "wad yer want" said the Genie, "I want some food" said the Asylum fellow, it was Granted, "Now I want some clothes", it was Granted. What next asked the Genie. I want to be British said the asylum seeker. all the food and clothes suddenly disappeared. WTF said the asylum seeker: "Your'e British now" said the Genie, "Your'e entitled to Sweet Fu*cK All"
Click to expand...
Don that would be funny if it wasn't so close to the truth.
 
DD67

DD67

The Peace Keeper
Staff member
Don the Don said:
An asylum seeker arrived at Dover, he kicked a bottle and a Genie jumped out! "wad yer want" said the Genie, "I want some food" said the Asylum fellow, it was Granted, "Now I want some clothes", it was Granted. What next asked the Genie. I want to be British said the asylum seeker. all the food and clothes suddenly disappeared. WTF said the asylum seeker: "Your'e British now" said the Genie, "Your'e entitled to Sweet Fu*cK All"
Click to expand...
If you ever need to make use of the benefits system? You'll realise exactly how true that is mate!
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A baby chicken and a horse became great friends on a farm. They’d wander around together enjoying the sunshine.

Until one day, the horse fell into a sinkhole. It was flailing around madly, sinking ever further into the mud. The little chick tried everything but all appears lost, when it remembers that the farmer has just bought a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. So off it goes, fetches the big bike and using a rope slowly pulls the horse out of the mud.

A week or so goes by and the pair are out walking together again, but this time it’s the little chicken that falls into a sinkhole. Panicking, it screams at the horse to fetch the Harley Davidson.

Instead, the horse straddles the sinkhole, extends his penis, the chicken grabs it and is pulled safely out of the hole.

Which all goes to show that if you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Harley to pick up chicks.
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A vicar’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the vicar’s family expanded so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the vicar’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the vicar’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the vicar rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."
 
Big Sandy

Big Sandy

Legendary Knight
TAE A FART
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,
Start workin like a gentle breeze,
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place.
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae,
A'body's gonn hae tae pay,
Even if ye try to stifle,
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
Hawed yer bum tight tae the chair,
Tae try and stop the leakin air,
Shift hersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it doesnae leak.
But aw yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder,
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me! A sonic boom!
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvne shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw, whit the hell, it's no my worry.
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.
Wis him! I shout with accusin glower,
Alas! Too late he's just keeled ower.
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare,
A feel welcome nae mair.
Were e're ye go, let yer wind gang free,
Sounds like just the job for me,
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o wan we farty!
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
Bloke takes his wife to the doctor.
The doctor asks, "Why is she covered in bruises?"
"She's going through the change."
The doc gasped, "But you don't get bruises like that when going through the change!"
The bloke replied, "You do when it's my change your going through!"
 
Don the Don

Don the Don

Legendary Knight
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’

The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’

‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.

‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’

After a short pause. The rabbit said…

‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
 
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