Don the Don
Legendary Knight
An Aussie is having a stroll in the New Zealand countryside. He spots a local who looks like he’s shagging a sheep.
“Hi mate what you doin’ ? “ asks the Aussie
“I'm shagging this sheep what the hell does it look like I'm doing?” replies the Kiwi
“Oh. Dont you shear em? “
“Nah. Go and git yer ahn. “
“Hi mate what you doin’ ? “ asks the Aussie
“I'm shagging this sheep what the hell does it look like I'm doing?” replies the Kiwi
“Oh. Dont you shear em? “
“Nah. Go and git yer ahn. “
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was at the check out at Asda today when I noticed this guy in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt.
A box of condoms.
Not only did he notice me staring, but he decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact with me.
So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages.
A box of condoms.
Not only did he notice me staring, but he decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact with me.
So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
For Feck's sake. It's been nearly six weeks since Christmas, and today I found Glitter in my kids' bedroom again.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Year 11 asked what paleontology is, I replied "Digging up old fossils" and without thinking added "Not like Wayne Rooney".
Fortunately none of them got the joke so I've avoided another 'little chat' with a deputy head.
Fortunately none of them got the joke so I've avoided another 'little chat' with a deputy head.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
My mate Dave only has one leg but it didn't stop him from getting a job at the brewery. They put him in charge of the hops.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.
For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.
For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.
Big Sandy
Legendary Knight
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked through the carriages looking for a seat and saw that one was occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. Now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire length of the train and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. Now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
I'd have a damn good go at it, so I would!
MartytheMartian
Legendary Knight
To be honest the travellers would claim that they had done the work and the snow had covered it and bugger off sharpish before the snow melted.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
A Widowed Jewish Woman, still in good shape.
Was Sunbathing on a deserted beach in Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a Man, roughly her own Age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his Blanket on the Sand near hers.
And he began Reading a Book. so Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you Today"..???
"Fine, Thank You," he responded, and turned back to his Book.
"I love the Beach. Do you come here often"..??? she asked.
"First time since my Wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his Book again.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My Husband passed away Three Years ago and it is very lonely, she countered.
"Do you Live around here"..??? She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs", he answered, and again he resumed Reading.
Trying to find a Topic of Common Interest, she persisted,
"Do you like Pussy Cats"..???
With that, the Man dropped his Book, came over to her Blanket, tore off her Swimsuit and gave her the most passionate Lovemaking of her Life.
When the Cloud of Sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the Man,
"How on earth, did you know that was, what I Wanted”..???
“Well, it’s like this Madam”, the Man replied.
"How did you know my Name, was KATZ"
Was Sunbathing on a deserted beach in Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a Man, roughly her own Age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his Blanket on the Sand near hers.
And he began Reading a Book. so Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you Today"..???
"Fine, Thank You," he responded, and turned back to his Book.
"I love the Beach. Do you come here often"..??? she asked.
"First time since my Wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his Book again.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My Husband passed away Three Years ago and it is very lonely, she countered.
"Do you Live around here"..??? She asked.
"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs", he answered, and again he resumed Reading.
Trying to find a Topic of Common Interest, she persisted,
"Do you like Pussy Cats"..???
With that, the Man dropped his Book, came over to her Blanket, tore off her Swimsuit and gave her the most passionate Lovemaking of her Life.
When the Cloud of Sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the Man,
"How on earth, did you know that was, what I Wanted”..???
“Well, it’s like this Madam”, the Man replied.
"How did you know my Name, was KATZ"
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I’ve been accused of making love to a woman when she was asleep.
In my defence, she was awake when I started.
In my defence, she was awake when I started.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
And the lord said unto John… ‘come forth and you will receive eternal life’…
But John came fifth and won a toaster
But John came fifth and won a toaster
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I've started a new website which rates prostitutes on the quality of their handjobs.
For more details, head over to GripAdvisor.
For more details, head over to GripAdvisor.
Don the Don
Legendary Knight
I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags.
But Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.
But Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.